To Boldy Go Through Time And Space
by TheFinalFrontier87
Summary: The Tenth Doctor, Jack, and Rose get sucked to an alternate universe. Unfortunately, the TARDIS was damaged too badly to return home. Fortunately, they're on a spaceship! Unfortunately, dressing up as members of Starfleet and trying to steal from the Enterprise is illegal. Luckily, the doctor has a plan. Whether or not its a good plan is still up for debate.
1. When Worlds Collide

**More information about the AU: After Rose Tyler looked into the heart of the TARDIS and temporarily had unlimited power, destroying the Daleks and resurrecting Jack Harkniss, instead of leaving Jack in the future, the Doctor and Rose brought him along. This takes place between the episodes in the second season "School Reunion" and "The Girl in the Fireplace."**

**Thank you for reading our first fanfiction crossover!**

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The TARDIS lurched wildly to one side, throwing the Doctor, Rose, and Jack off their feet. Steam hissed from the middle column, and the ship was making a sound that was slightly off kilter from what it was supposed to sound like. They all staggered back to their feet, and the Doctor's hands flew over the controls, stretching across several sections with both his hands and feet to pull knobs, flip switches, and press buttons.

The TARDIS lurched to the other side, even more violent than the first. The Doctor and his companions were all thrown from their feet again as the TARDIS hissed and gurgled and spewed smoke and sparks. The tumultuous rocking lasted for a few minutes, and each time any of the group tried to stand, they were thrown to the floor again as the TARDIS jerked from side to side.

Unceremoniously, it stopped.

"Okay… ow…" Jack said loudly, sprawled out on the floor. He felt the rising bump on the back of his head and groaned.

"Doctor, where are we?" Rose asked, rubbing her eyes and wincing. She sat up and fingered her hair out of her face.

"I feel like my entire body went through a blender… a blue blender that can travel through time and is being driven by a _maniac _who has no idea what he's doing," Jack groaned, caressing the impossibly large bruise on his head.

"Doctor?" Rose asked again.

The Doctor leaned down to stare into one of the monitors, a deep frown on his face and his eyebrows scrunched together.

"No… no, that's impossible…" he muttered, banging the monitor sharply.

"Doctor, whats impossible?" Rose asked tentatively.

"It just cant be…" The Doctor twisted another monitor towards him, tapping on the screen rapidly, his eyes darting across the screen.

"Are you alright?" Jack asked, putting a hand on Rose's shoulder, which she shrugged off.

"I'm… I'm fine. Doctor, what's wrong?"  
"We've traveled through a quantum singularity! We were temporarily converted into nuclear energy, underwent quantum tunneling, rolled some metaphorical dice, only to end up here," the Doctor said, flabbergasted. He leaned back, putting his hands on the back of his head as a wry chuckle escaped his mouth.

"A quantum singularity? I thought that was supposed to be impossible," Jack said.

"It is!"

"Guys!" Rose snapped. She crossed her arms over her chest. "What does that mean, and why is it a big deal?"

"Oh, nothing… we've only bypassed all known laws of traditional physics and rewritten science as we know it! It's brilliant! Absolutely fantastic!" The Doctor said rapidly, smiling widely.

Rose turned to Jack and raised an eyebrow.

"What he means to say, _in theory_, is that we've travelled to another dimension," Jack explained, rolling his eyes at the Doctor's incomprehensibility.

"Huh?"

"You know, parallel worlds?" Jack offered. Rose looked even more confused. Jack sighed. "Multiple Earths? Multiverse Theory? Quantum Mechanics? Any of this ringing a bell?"

"So, wait… you're saying that outside that door," Rose pointed towards the TARDIS' exit, "there's a whole other Earth, like ours, but different?"

"Exactly," Jack said, and gave Rose a sly smile.

"Not necessarily," The Doctor said, his eyes still peeled on the monitors. When they looked at him in confusion, the Doctor gestured at one of the many, many screens in front of him. "According to this we're somewhere in the outer rim of the Milkyway galaxy. So parallel universe, yes. Earth, not necessarily."

"Great, we're in the middle of nowhere, with nothing to do," Rose muttered bitterly, crossing her arms.

"Again, not necessarily," Doctor said, his eyes lighting up. "If my calculations are correct—and they always are—then there's something right outside. Something unknown… Something new… Something…"

"Dangerous?" Rose suggested.

"Single?" Jack quipped.

"There's only one way to find out! Allons-Y!" Doctor excitedly ran past them, shrugging on his jacket with finesse. Rose and Jack hot on his heels, Doctor ripped open the door to reveal-

"A supply closet?" Rose said, raising an eyebrow skeptically.

"Wow, I'm impressed," Jack said, sarcasm dripping off his words like a melting peach popsicle.

Doctor rolled his eyes and hopped out of the TARDIS into the white supply closet. He began to look around, taking out his sonic screwdriver and scanning the wall.

"This is _by far _the most exciting place we have _ever_ gone. _Really_, Doctor, how _do _you think of these things?" Rose asked, laughing quietly and rocking on her heels.

"Oh, shut it," Doctor sighed. Jack Harkniss snorted loudly.

"No, Blondie is right," Jack said. "Anywhere we go after this will be incredibly dull in comparison. A supply closet. Wow…"

"We won't be going anywhere any time soon if we can't fix that," Doctor said grimly, his face dark. He was staring behind them, at the TARDIS.

"Fix what…" Rose's voice trailed off as she turned around. A large gash had ripped right through the side of the TARDIS, peeling away most of the blue wood to reveal wires underneath. A strange golden glow seeped through it, not quite liquid, but not quite gas either. It flowed with the consistency of both, and was quite mesmerizing and bright.

"That's… not good…" Jack said slowly, his obnoxious smile disappearing.

"The TARDIS will be too dangerous to fly until I can find a way to fix her," Doctor grunted. "She would tear apart the second we started flying her, killing us along with her."

"What are we going to do?" Rose asked hesitantly, her voice serious and her smile gone.

The Doctor tilted his head back, spinning in a circle slowly and taking in the small storage space.

"I'm way too beautiful to die," Jack sighed. "There's so many things I haven't done. So many hot people I haven't met. So many hot people I _have _met and haven't kissed. So many-"

"Jack, be quiet for a second," Doctor snapped. He pressed his ear against the wall. "_Listen_. Do you hear that?"

The trio went silent.

"It sounds like my mum's old AC unit."

"Its an engine." The Doctor leaned back, a goofy grin on his features again. "Brilliant!"

"So?"

"We're on a ship! A spaceship!" The Doctor rubbed his hands together delightedly. "There's certain to be equipment around here somewhere we can use to fix the TARDIS. We pop in, grab what we need, say hi, grab a bite to eat, pop out, Fix the TARDIS, get back to our universe and visit Rose's crazy mum. We'll be back before tea time. It's brilliant! Great plan, don't you think? Came up with it right now. Right off the top of my head."

"You're forgetting something, _Einstein_," Jack said, his face stoic and his arms crossed in Rose Tyler style.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, how exactly are we going to move around the ship without getting caught?"

"Elementary, my dear Captain." The Doctor looked over their shoulders.

Jack and Rose turned. On the shelf behind them were rows and rows of neatly pressed uniforms.


	2. Turbolifts Are Not for the Faint-Hearted

The halls of the unknown starship were filled with people. Humans, if the Doctor was right, and he normally was. The corridors were spacious and dimly lit, with white floors, grey floors, and blood-orange ceilings. The people passing by walked like they had somewhere to be, and they did not speak, save for respectful head nods and a few 'good afternoons'.

They all knew exactly what they were doing.

The Doctor did not in the slightest.

Doctor tapped the shoulder of some poor sap in a gold shirt who happened to be walking by at that moment.

"Hello! I'm John Smith," he flashed the psychic paper under the young man's nose. "I was just transferred to engineering. Would you mind telling me where that is?"

"Take zee torboleeft to zee fifth floor, geet off, and eets at zee end of zee hall. Incredibly noisy. And dirty. You can't miss eet," he shrugged and began to walk away, but Doctor held him back.

"Thank you so, so much. And, I'm terribly sorry to bother you, but where is the… um… the turbolift? I get lost rather easily, you see."

The boy raised an eyebrow, a scowl overcoming his features. He pointed to the big set of sliding doors right next to them. "You mean _zees_ torboleeft?"

"Yes! Precisely! That's the one! Thank you very much!"

Doctor gave the sulking boy a quick smile before turning to the large set of doors.

There was no handle.

He frowned, running his long fingers up and down the smooth metal, trying to find some type of mechanism to unlock, or a keyhole… maybe it needed a fingerprint? He pulled out his psychic paper, flashing it around at the wall in case it needed some sort of identification. When all else failed, the Doctor pulled out his sonic screwdriver, hiding the bright blue light with his body.

"Vat are you doing?" the boy asked slowly, gazing at him suspiciously, a rather baffled expression on his pointed face. Doctor stowed the screwdriver in his belt.

"I… oh, you're still here. Well, I… um… forgot how to get in."

Looking at him even more strangely, the boy pressed a big red button that sat a little to the right of the doors. The door hissed open with a _shhk _and revealed a small room with bright lights and large triangular-shaped panels.

"Thanks!" The Doctor grinned. He slid into the small, cylinder-like room, eyeing the controls warily. The triangular panels on the sides looked a lot like handles and the sides were painted in bland colors with a few blinking panels on them. The inside hummed at a different frequency of the main engine; the turbolifts must have some engine of their own.

Seemed simple enough.

"Oh, and one last thing," Doctor slid his foot between the sliding doors, halting their close.

The brunet glared at him, his scowl deepening. "Vhat?"

"You wouldn't happen to know what the head engineer's name is, would you?"

"You vere twansferred to engineering and you don't even know zee head engineer's name?" he cried, his patience obviously at its end. "You didn't know vhere the turboleeft was, you didn't know how to get into said torboleeft… Ees there _anything else_ you don't know?"

"Well, I-"

"I have never seen such incompetence!" the boy threw his hands in the air. "How deed you ever pass your final exams?"

"I just need a name-"

"Vy deed Keptin Kirk transfer you? Are you really good at engineering or sometheeng? You must be because otherwise you _never_ would have been transferred. You certainly didn't get here on your _common sense_. Vhat is Meester Scotty going to say-

"Scotty? Is that his name? Scotty?" The Doctor asked quickly, and when he saw the affirmation in the young crewman's eyes, he removed his foot from the turbolift's door and it began to close, but the young man stuck his hand into the doors and forced them open again, pointing his finger angrily at the Doctor.

"Keptin Kirk only picks zee best of zee best. I am one of zee best, obviously. But you? No! I graduated from Starfleet Academy vhen I was twenty one! Only twenty one! No vone else graduated vhen _they_ vere twenty-"

"Okay, thanks, it was nice talking to you!" Doctor rapidly pressed random buttons on the panel in front of him.

The doors slid shut.

The Doctor sighed in relief and glanced around the… _turbolift_… again. He hesitantly reached and pulled on one of the triangular handles.

Nothing happened.

Confused, he pulled harder on the handle, but the turbolift didn't budge. The Doctor looked over at all the buttons on the panels and began to press them all one after the other.

After pressing a particularly large one, a noise blipped overhead. Doctor's head snapped up, and then he jumped as a smooth female's voice spoke.

"If you do not know where a section is located, or you need assistance, please ask by saying 'computer' and then phrasing your question."

The Doctor paused, perplexed, and then grabbed a handle again.

"Computer?" he asked uncertainty, and the blipping noise came again. He licked his lips. "Where is Engineering located?"

"Engineering is located on Deck Five."

"Okay. Take me there."

The turbolift gave a soft lurch and began to seamlessly lower him down.

It was a man/machine operated elevator. In space! On a spaceship!

"Brilliant!" Doctor cheered. "Bloody brilliant!"

The turbolift only took a minute or so to arrive at Deck Five, and when it opened, he immediately understood what the disgruntled brunet boy with anger problems had said.

Engineering _was_ dirty. And noisy.

The large room was the same color scheme as in the halls: white walls, grey floors, and blood-orange ceilings. Behind glass to the left side housed a large engine that just _had_ to be the main propulsion drive: the whooshing sound it was making was what he heard when he first stepped out of the TARDIS. The rest of the room was completely covered in control panels, each of them manned by a crew member, and they tapped and typed furiously, and they didn't stay at their stations; they flitted around like butterflies, going from station to station with a screen in their hands, narrowly missing colliding with other crewmen moving about.

But even in the chaos the entire floor seemed to have an order about it. Everyone knew their jobs and were doing them to the best of their ability, and no one argued or crashed into one another. A few crewmen walked around, checking the others' work and nodding approvingly.

Trying not to look too out of place, Doctor sauntered over to where a dark haired man in a red shirt was giving instructions to a few other people in red shirts and dresses. He had more gold fringes on the sleeves of his shirt; perhaps that determined rank?

"Hello, I'm John Smith. I was just transferred here by Captain Kirk," Doctor said, remembering the name the boy had said earlier. He held out his hand for the man to shake. "I'm looking for Scotty?"  
"Aye, that would be me," the man replied, smiling easily and shaking the Doctor's hand.

Doctor held back a laugh. His name was Scotty and he was Scott_ish_. Classic! He wondered whether the name _Scotty _was his given name, or if it was a nickname.

"You say you were transferred here, eh? I didn't get a notification," Scotty said doubtfully, his brow crinkling.

"Right, there was a bit of a mix up. I was supposed to be transferred _next_ week, but something went wrong with the paperwork, and they didn't have time to send you an email."

"Email?"

"Uh… as you can see here, everything is in perfect order," The Doctor handed him his psychic paper. Scotty took it, still looking rather skeptical.

"I see. Well, you can just tail me for a wee bit, I suppose. Learn the ropes. You can start by helping Ensign Johnsen clean the regulator on the impulse drive," Scotty turned away, dismissing Doctor with a wave of his hand.

Doctor ran up to him. "Actually, I was sent to help manage the quantum flux regulator," he lied. "Where is that?"

"Slow down, laddie," Scotty held a hand up. "That'd be a mighty fragile piece of technology there. I'm not going to be having a rookie taking care of her."

"But Captain Kirk did send me too-"

"This may be Captain Kirk's ship, but this here is _my _engineering deck. I say who does what."

"I passed all my exams with flying colors back in Starfleet," Doctor said, once again thinking back to the words of the angry young man. He mentioned something called Starfleet, right? Some sort of school? "I know I'm doing."

"Just because a chicken flaps it wings and jumps on top of a barrel doesn't mean it's gonna be signed up for a horse racing derby. Now if you'll excuse me."

Doctor stood there, confused, for a good thirty seconds.

Did he just get compared to a _chicken_?

He quickly shook his head, clearing his mind.

All he had to do was find the quantum flux regulator, steal it without anyone noticing, get back to the TARDIS, and wait for Jack and Rose.

Easy, right?

Right!

As soon as Scotty was out of earshot, Doctor turned to a lady in a red dress with a fancy updo. Her face was peeled to a blue computer screen.

"Excuse me, I was sent to take a look at the quantum flux regulator; we heard that there was a chance it could be malfunctioning. Could you send me in its direction?" Doctor showed her the psychic paper, just in case, but she didn't even look up.

"Take two lefts, down the stairs on the second right," she replied in a monotone.

"Thanks!"

He followed her directions, only getting lost twice.

"Quantum flux regulator… quantum flux regulator… quantum… ah ha! Come to papa!"

He had come to some sort of mechanical locker, made of a thick metal and protected by a keycode on a panel to the side.

Nothing a sonic screwdriver couldn't handle.

He hummed as the screwdriver did its work, glowing blue and whirring. After a moment, the locker clicked open, and the Doctor looked around and started to search inside. He rifled through hyper-spanners, gravic caplers, thermal regulators, and even more tools he could not identify. After about five minutes of searching, he found what he was looking for: the quantum flux regulator, which was about the length of a banana. It was cylindrical and heavy like a club. It was also a bit too big to hide in his red shirt.

As long as everything went according to plan, after he took the regulator, he'd have approximately one hour before they noticed it was missing. More than enough time to meet up with the others, fix the TARDIS, and leave. Maybe Doctor would even have enough time to write a little thank you note.

Doctor desperately hoped that everything would go according to plan.

Just this once.

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**Thank you for viewing, favoriting, following, and reviewing our story! We are thankful for any of the four ****aforementioned****. We will be updating this story semi-regularity, so stay tuned for more chapters to come.**

**Thank you, and may you boldly go through time and space this week!**


	3. A Problematic Medbay Visit

Rose fiddled with her blue dress sleeves, wrinkling her nose at all the smells in the medbay. It smelled like going to the doctor; like antiseptic and clean floors and latex gloves. Hospital-bed-looking-things were hooked up to displays behind them, showing the heartbeat, blood pressure, a nd other vitals. She spun to the side. There were medical instruments on carts and on the wall and in cabinets, but they all looked the same: mechanical and pencil-like.

Rose groaned in frustration.

Doctor said she needed to find something called a dermal regenerator, which could heal skin quickly without leaving any scars. According to him, he would be able to alter it so that it could fix the TARDIS—which was made of a material very close to organic tissue—instead of skin.

His description of what the dermal regenerator looked like was quite a bit less helpful than his explanation, however. His full description was: "a glowing, healing, shooting…. thingy."

Sighing in resignation, Rose began opening cabinets and rummaging through them, searching for anything that glowed, healed, or shot.

"You're new here, aren't you?" A blonde woman asked quietly after she entered the medbay. She put a metal contraption on a cart and studied Rose.

"What gave it away?" Rose laughed nervously, closing the cabinet. She really hoped she wasn't wearing any jewelry from home, or anything else to suggest she wasn't supposed to be there.

"I'm Christine Chapel," The nurse said, and stuck out her hand for a shake.

_Well, at least in this universe, they still shake hands._

"Rose Tyler," Rose said, shaking her hand.

"Well, Nurse Tyler, welcome aboard the Enterprise."

"Thank you!" Rose smiled, thankful that this Nurse Chapel was kind enough to welcome her and alleviate her nerves.

Nurse Chapel looked around quickly before leaning in and lowering her voice, her face serious.

"Not to embarrass you or anything, but just so you know, you're not exactly up to code. The Doctor's going to give you a hard time about that. He's a real stickler for the rules."

"Up to code?" Rose whispered back, an eyebrow raised.

"The dress code. Women need to have their hair up at all times."

"Oh, sorry," Rose said slowly. She pulled at the ends of her hair nervously and searched her wrists for a hair tie, but she had none.

"No problem. Here, have a hair tie," Nurse Chapel offered, opening a drawer and revealing about a hundred black hair ties. "I like to keep them around for any newbies."

"Thanks!" Rose replied. She quickly did her hair up in a _very_ sloppy bun, which looked nothing like Nurse Chapel's carefully styled hairdo. "How do I look?"

Nurse Chapel gave her hair a quick look, before forcing a fake smile. "Very… uh, unique."

"Why thank you," Rose said, oblivious to the problem. She turned back to the cabinet, pretending to act as inconspicuous as possible. "Say… you wouldn't happen to know where we keep the dermal regenerators, do you?"

"With the subdermal scalpels."

"And where is that?"

"Why, over near the bio-temporal chamber and the cellular regeneration chamber, of course," she said. Upon seeing Rose's confused look, she smiled and added, "behind the proto-plasers."

Rose blinked. "Oh."

_I understood none of that. _

Nurse Chapel smiled again and turned back to the cabinets, pulling out various medicines and sorting them by color. "So, what made you decide to join Starfleet?"

"Oh, uh… it sorta just happened. I was sort of…. traveling... What about you?"

"Wanted to join my whole life. It makes me feel like we're making a real difference, you know?"

"Yeah, I know the feeling."

Nurse Chapel looked around nervously before leaning toward Rose again and whispering, "_Not to mention, the men aren't half bad either_."

Rose laughed and whispered back, "_Who? One of the doctors_?"

"_No, silly, the second in command,_" Nurse Chapel answered and smiled shyly. The two girls giggled.

Just then a middle aged man in a blue shirt entered the room. "Nurses, now is not the time for socializing," he said in a southern drawl. "Nurse Chapel, I need you to get that medicine and an extra hypospray to the fourth floor."

"Of course, Doctor McCoy," Nurse Chapel said. She started grabbing a few small containers holding multi-colored pills and something Rose thought resembled a sonic screwdriver. Nurse Chapel gave her one last meaningful look before exiting the medbay.

"And you-" Doctor McCoy paused, a scowl overcoming his features. "What the sam hill happened to your hair?"

"I'm sorry?" Rose said carefully, turning to face the doctor, and her hair on top her head bounced up and down, some loose ends falling into her face.

"Its looks like something made a nest and died."

"I'm sorry?"

"You'll have to do. Go grab a hypospray with 10 ccs of anetrizine and come with me. A patient needs attention now."

"Oh, I'm not… I don't…"

"Are you going to make me wait all day?"

"I actually need-" she started to say, only for the man to turn and disappear into a back room. "Alrighty then…"

_This is not going well.. I still have no idea what a dermal regenerator is, and I have no clue what anetrizine is. A medicine? This is just _fantastic_._

Rose quickly grabbed one of the small sonic-screwdriver-looking-things, grabbed a couple of medicine vials, and followed the man—McCoy?—to the back room. Beds were lined up in a neat row, all unoccupied except for one at the very end, which housed a man holding his arm and twisting his face in pain.

"I have the stuff," Rose blurted, holding the instruments out to the doctor, feigning a polite smile.

McCoy raised an eyebrow, picking up a vile of blue liquid. "Is this a joke?" he spluttered.

"I'm… I'm sorry?"

"This is _dermaline_, not _anetrizine_," he growled, clutching the blue vials tightly, making them grate against each other with an unappealing screech. He opened a cabinet, angrily bringing out three red vials. "And seeing how we're trying to give Ensign Riley a painkiller so we can fix his broken arm, and _not_ trying to prevent him from getting mild to severe sunburns, I'd say dermaline is rather unneeded, wouldn't you?"

"Sorry."

"Geez, kid, is 'sorry' the only thing you know how to say? You're going to drive me up the wall," he grumbled. He began attaching the vials to the hypospray.

"Sor- I mean, uh…"

Doctor McCoy shot her a glare and pressed the tool to the ensign's neck. "Just grab the medical tricorder so we can find out exactly how many bones are broken."

"Medical tricorder. Right." Rose turned, slowly looking over all the tools on the nearby table. "This?"

"Thats a neocortical monitor," he deadpanned, not even looking up from the patient, who was no longer writhing in pain, but looking at Rose like she was an idiot.

"Of course. I was testing you. What about this?" Rose lifted another piece of equipment.

"No."

"This?"

"No!"

"How about—"

"That is a scalpel!" McCoy snapped, pushing her out of the way with one hand. He snatched a small tool covered in multicolored blinking lights and smacked it into her hands. "Give me the readings from that."

Rose slowly slid towards McCoy again, looking at the tricorder and nodding her head solemnly, as if she knew what she was doing.

She did not.

"Readings?" McCoy grunted, taking a deep breath.

"The readings say it's bad," Rose replied grimly, trying to keep her face calm, but she had no idea what the various numbers on the screen meant.

"A bit more information would be nice."

"The readings say it's very, very bad," Rose said slowly, pursing her lips. The Doctor McCoy rose to his feet and snatched the medical tricorder from her hands, tapping furiously at the screen.

"Nurse, if you're not going to do your darn job—"

"I'm just telling you, sir, this looks pretty serious."

'It's a broken bone, Nurse. He'll be fine. Now—"

"Even so, you can't be too sure," Rose pointed out, playing with the hem of her dress and trying to act casual. "Perhaps I should go get the dermal regenerator. You could just point me in the right direction."

McCoy looked at her as if she had just grown another head.

"You're kidding."

_Well, that didn't work. _

"It's what the medical tricorder says to do," Rose said, and Doctor McCoy looked back at the tricorder for a moment before taking another deep breath.

"Nurse, can you tell me what a dermal regenerator does?"

"Uh… it glows, heals, and shoots?"

The doctor rubbed his eyes in frustration. "I don't know what game you're playing, nurse, but you better cut it out _right now_. I don't put up with any tomfoolery in my medbay."

"Of course, sir. I was just trying to be helpful, sir."

He grunted and turned back to the patient. "Just hold his arm still so I do my work, and _do not_ test my patience any further."

"Of course," Rose sighed. She walked over to the patient and held his arm level as Doctor McCoy grabbed a tool from the cabinet and held it to the patient's broken bone. The patient stared at her with a slightly fearful expression, as if he didn't trust her with a simple broken bone but was too polite to point it out. After a few minutes of silence, she spoke again. "Really, I can go get the dermal regenerator. It's no trouble at all."

"_We don't need the dermal regenerator_." McCoy hissed, and his grip on his tool tightened in frustration.

"But it would be good to have on hand—"

"Nurse!" McCoy snapped. Rose jumped. "Behave, or I'll have you reported."

"_I'm terrified_," Rose muttered sarcastically under her breath.

"What was that?"

"I said 'I'll try'."

McCoy squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep, measured breath, the fourth one of their conversation; Rose was counting. "Go get the _bone_ regenerator. It's on the shelf near the regeneration chambers. _And so help me nurse, I swear if you bring me back anything other than what I asked for_—"

"On it!"

Rose ran out of the room, and towards a separate section of the medbay. Luckily, the room was labeled. As was the cabinets and shelves.

Sitting right in plain view was a cabinet labeled 'regenerators'. A large collection of small tools sat under a label that read 'bone regenerators'.

And what do you know, there was another label that said 'dermal regenerator'. Rose grabbed the small, light tool, weighing it in her hand. It resembled one of those stupid, annoying little lights that doctors would always shine in people's eyes and ears. How this was going to help fix the TARDIS, she had no idea. But the Doctor knew what he was doing.

Hopefully.

Rose hid the small tool and began to discreetly leave the medbay, hoping to not draw any attention to herself.

No such luck.

"_Where are you going? Get back here!_"

Rose cringed, one foot out of the door. She could feel the southern doctor glaring a hole in the back of her head. She slowly turned around and trudged back to him like a child who had just been caught stealing cookies before dinner.

"_Did you get the bone regenerator_?" he hissed.

Rose smiled sheepishly and slowly produced the tool from her pocket, showing it to the doctor. She braced herself for what would undoubtedly come.

He lost it.

"THAT IS A DERMAL REGENERATOR! I ASKED FOR A BONE REGENERATOR! WHY IN SAM HILL WOULD I EVER NEED A DANG DERMAL REGENERATOR FOR A BROKEN BONE? HUH? I ASKED FOR A BONE REGENERATOR, DANG IT! DID I NOT? I DID! I DID!"

He pinched the bridge of his nose and took in a long angry breath, the fifth one of their conversation. "You… nurse… you can't just… I don't… you… just… just… Give me that!" McCoy angrily ripped the dermal regenerator out of her hands, threw it on his desk, and pointed at a nearby bed. "Go sit over there until I finish with Ensign Riley. Your assistance is no longer needed. You and I will have a _very _lengthy conversation when I'm finished, and I promise you, you will _not _enjoy it."

"But I-"

"Now!" McCoy snapped, his face furious. If looks could kill, his would murder.

Rose silently took her seat on the edge of the bed, watching as McCoy pulled at his thinning hair and disappear into the other room, evidently to go get a bone regenerator.

_I am in big trouble now, _Rose thought, biting her lips and swinging her legs. _How will I ever get the dermal regenerator now? _

She looked over at the patient, who was staring at her in fury.

"Sorry," she told him. He just scoffed and turned his gaze to the ceiling. Rose sighed loudly and rolled her eyes at herself. Did it ever occur to her to look at the labels on the cabinets? No! Did she think that grabbing the bone regenerator along with the dermal regenerator was a good idea? No! It never even crossed her mind!

She wished she had taken a theater class at her high school.

McCoy came back into the room with the bone regenerator in his hand, glaring daggers at Rose. He walked over to the ensign, waved the whirring regenerator over his broken arm a few times, and dismissed him.

He replaced the tool and faced Rose.

"Now, Nurse—"

"I am so, so sorry, doctor. I really was trying to help and it is my first day, I wasn't sure-"

"Don't interrupt me while I'm speaking!" McCoy growled. "I don't care if it's your first day. It's no excuse for your behavior."

"I never did mean to-"

"I am going to give you a full psychological examination. Once I finish you'll be excused from your duties for the rest of the day," he growled. "I will be sending a formal complaint to Starfleet, and I expect you to arrive tomorrow with your head screwed on correctly. Understand?"

"Yes, sir. But, um… how long is this 'examination' going to take?" Rose asked nervously.

"As long as it takes."

* * *

_Psychological examinations really suck_, Rose thought bitterly.

Rose felt like a test guinea pig. She was expecting a paper test or something asking her different questions about her mental state, not to be shoved in a hundred different machines and have a dozen different scanners run over her head for hours.

She hated sitting still, and the psychological examination made her sit still for three hours on end. It took every ounce of patience that Rose possessed not to leap forward and strangle the quick tempered Doctor McCoy.

It seemed to perplex McCoy when he didn't find anything wrong with her, but he dismissed her anyway, but not without his teeth clenched tightly in exasperation.

When she passed the grumbling doctor's desk on the way out, she discreetly grabbed the dermal regenerator and slid it into her pocket.

Hopefully the Doctor and Jack were having more luck than she was.

* * *

**We, IdenticalSnowflakes and LogicalVulcan, thank our few devoted fans for reading our crossover. Since Doctor Who/Star Trek crossovers are not that common, we are especially glad that you are here!**

**We hope you enjoy this comical crossover with our favorite characters!**


	4. Where Con Men Fail

Jack strolled onto the bridge, shifting the ship report in his hands and keeping his walking pace level. The bridge was alive with noise; with beeping alarms and quiet conversations and the pulsing whir of the engine. Hands flew over screened panels in the wall, chairs turned as people moved from station to station, and the turbolift would occasionally hiss open with the arrival of an ensign with a report.

A persona he was attempting to emulate.

"Your report, Captain," Jack said confidently, handing the report to the blond man in the middle of the room, hoping it was the right person.

Jack breathed a silent sigh of relief when he took it without looking and quickly scribbled a signature. Jack glanced at the signature. _Captain James Tiberius Kirk_.

_Hmm. _

_Captain Jack Harkniss sounds a lot better._

"Thank you, Ensign. Here," Captain Kirk handed him the signed report, his eyes barely glancing at him. Jack nodded and gave him a respectful _thank you, sir. _

The Captain paused, doing a double take at Jack. His face morphed into a baffled expression, his brows knitting together tightly and his eyes narrowing considerably. His eyes ran over Jack's face, and his eyebrows slid even closer together.

Jack's blood ran cold.

"Is there a problem, sir?" Jack asked, forcing his most innocent and charming smile onto his face.

"Problem? No. No problem. Not at all," Kirk shook his head as if he was clearing it, turning back towards the screens, but his befuddled expression remained.

Jack nodded and slowly backed up. Since the bridge was set up like a large semi-circle, he was easily able to creep around towards the communications desk, even though it was on the opposite side of the room. He sauntered around the back of the bridge and headed towards the communication section.

Jack knew they needed a wireless receiver so they can tap into the frequency of their dimension, and therefore change the frequency of the TARDIS to correctly match its readings.

In other words, it was a glorified compass.

Reaching the desk, he grabbed the unused earpiece as casually as possible, glancing at it as though he was wondering if it was working properly. He slowly slid it in his pocket and looked around the room nervously, seeing if anyone happened to observe his small robbery.

Everyone else was way too focused on their work to notice an ensign by the communications desk.

Now all he needed to do was get back to the TARDIS. No fuss, no mess, easy peasy. He began to turn around his heel, smiling triumphantly.

There isn't any room for mistakes when the universe's best con man, Captain Jack Harkness, is on the case.

_Hopefully those too bumbling idiots hadn't done anything to mess this up._ He thought smugly, imagining Rose and the Doctor trying to impersonate crewman on a starship. He covered his mouth to cover a snort.

They probably already messed up. He could _feel_ it.

_It's not that they're _bad _at conning people, per say, it's just that…._

Oh, who was he kidding? They really were terrible at impersonation. He was sure the Doctor never told a believable lie in his life, and Rose never could keep her emotions off her face completely. She was like an open book.

Jack, on the other hand, had this in the bag. All he needs to do is get back to the TARDIS and they're home free.

He was right by the turbolift door, and he was about to go in, but he smiled and surveyed the bridge once more, admiring the architecture and their lack of security. How easily he was able to steal the communications earpiece!

A flash of red caught his peripheral vision, and he turned his head to look back over at the engineering section, where a young woman with dark skin had her back to him. Her shining black hair was up in a tight, intricate hairdo, and golden hoop earrings hung from her ears.

_That is a _very _beautiful woman._

Jack froze midstep.

The woman turned, and she was absolutely breathtaking. Her dark hair was accompanied with dark eyes that shone with the brightness of starlight. Her neck sloped gently and was tall and regal, just like royalty from thousands of years ago. Her eyes were laced with harsh makeup that make her seem less soft and more formidable, and her lips were perfectly symmetrical.

And she was headed straight towards him.

Well, Doctor and Rose could wait a _little_ longer. He had time, surely.

The woman reached the communications desk, looking at Jack—who had been following her—with an eyebrow raised. "Can I help you?"

Jack smiled alluringly and leaned on the computer. He rested his chin on his fist and offered his other hand to her. "Hi. Jack Harkniss."

"Uhura," she said, shaking his hand firmly. Jack brought her fingers to his lips and kissed them lightly. She scowled and pulled her hand away and tried to sit down at her station, but Jack held her back gently.

"What a beautiful name. Where are you from?" Jack asked.

"I don't see how that's any of your business," she said coldly. "Now, how can I help you?"

"Sure can, gorgeous. You can let me buy you a drink sometime," Jack said, winking. "When's your next break?"

"Excuse me?"

"I'm more of a whiskey man myself." Jack shrugged, smirking slightly. "But you… let me guess. Champagne? You seem like you'd like those fruity girl drinks."

"No," Uhura said shortly. She pushed past him and sat down, ignoring him. Frowning suddenly, she ran her fingers over the desk before opening a drawer and digging through it as if she was looking for something. "Where-"

"I see. I see. Playing hard to get, huh?" Jack asked. She looked up and shot him an icy glare. "Or did I guess the wrong drink? No to the champagne. Hey, that's fine. I'm not judging. How about this: I guess your favourite drink, and you let me buy you a glass."

"I don't drink," she said sharply, her glare intensified. Jack backed up a few paces and held his hand up in mock surrender.

"Hey, no hints!" Jack teased.

She slammed the drawer shut harshly, causing Jack to jump back and drawing the attention of a few on the bridge.

"I think you should return to your post, _Ensign_," she growled, her hands frozen.

"Hey, there's no need to be so harsh," Jack said placatingly. He smiled and winked again.

She was unamused.

"You are distracting me from my work. You asked me a question, and I gave you my answer. Return to your post now, and leave me alone. Last warning." She shot him one last venomous glare before turning and opening another drawer. "Now where's my wireless receiver…"

"Hey, come on. You don't have to—" Jack softly grabbed her arm and tried to turn her back towards him.

She rose from her seat slowly, dangerously, spun on her heel, faster than light, and slapped him across the face.

Jacks head jerked to the side in cartoon fashion and a red welt appeared on his cheek, as violently red as Uhura's dress.

And it _hurt._

Who was this lady? She had the strength of large man.

Jack muttered some choice words under his breath and rubbed his cheek tenderly.

_That was ... kinda hot. Not gonna lie_, Jack thought. He was even more attracted to her now, to be honest.

"Is there a problem here?"

Jack looked up. The captain was standing right in front of them; his arms were crossed, and he was attempting to be stoic, but his eyes were laughing.

Jack instantly dropped his hand from his cheek. He could already feel a bruise forming.

Oh, man. Blondie was never going to let him live this down.

"Uh…" Jack stuttered, realizing Kirk was still waiting for an answer.

"Not anymore, Captain," Uhura said cooly, once again taking her seat and turning gracefully around, but Jack swore he saw a hint of a smile on her lips.

Kirk grabbed Jack's arm and started walking him towards the turbolift, rolling his eyes; Jack could tell the Captain was struggling to fight back a laugh.

A pointy eared man's eyes from the science station followed Jack, a single eyebrow raised. Jack pursed his lips and turned his gaze to the floor.

His excursion to the bridge was going downhill.

"Bit of advice: steer clear of Uhura," Kirk said, pausing before the turbolift, and a smile finally broke through the Captain's mask, bright and charismatic.

"Uhh, yeah. I got that impression…" Jack muttered, rubbing his bruise.

Kirk tilted his head, his laughing expression gone. Instead he raised his eyebrows and skeptically studied Jack. "Have we formally met?"

"Uh… no. No, I don't think so. I'm new. I was just transferred here," Jack lied easily, smiling at the Captain with one eye squeezed shut from the sizable bruise forming on his cheek.

Kirk held out his hand. "Welcome aboard the Enterprise. I'm Captain Kirk."

Jack shook his hand. "Thanks, I—"  
"But just because you're new doesn't excuse that kind of behaviour," Kirk said, dropping his hand. "You're expected to treat all members of The Enterprise with the top most respect. And that means no flirting while on duty."

"Right, sorry. Things were different on the last ship I worked on. Guess I'm still adjusting." Jack shrugged, grinning slyly.

Kirk crossed his arms over his chest and regarded him carefully. "Where did you say you were transferred from? I don't recall ever signing any transferral documents."

"Oh, obviously ... the Santa Maria! The pride of Starfleet!" Jack said cheerfully, forcing another over-enthusiastic smile.

"The Santa Maria? Never heard of her."

"Yeah, well, you wouldn't have. Its new. They just made it. It's only been flying for a month. Corporate hasn't sent out an official memo yet."

"It's only been flying a month and you've already been transferred?"

"Yep! I guess they really hated me!" Jack said quickly, frantically trying to think of a good cover story and feeling rather like a cornered animal. Kirk raised an eyebrow, and looked quite a bit like the alien at the science station with the pointed ears.

"It usually takes six months at minimum to transfer someone to another ship," Kirk commented.

"Um, well… they, uh.. they really, _really_ hated me—"

"And I think Starfleet would have told me if they were planning on building another starship…"

"The paperwork must have been lost," Jack shrugged nonchalantly.

Kirk raised both eyebrows and nodded slowly, glancing back at the science station with a significant look. "Lost, you say…"

Before Jack could think of another comeback he was—quite literally—saved by the bell. The hydrolift bell chimed and small angry Russian boy stormed out, shoving Jack out of his way and muttering something under his breath about incompetence.

Jack hopped into the hydrolift, rapidly and repeatedly pressing a button to close the door. "Sorry, my ride's here! I gotta go!"

"I—"

"It's my break time! Bye! Nice talking to you!" Jack winked and gave the Captain finger guns as the doors slid to a close.

Sighing, Jack leaned back and pulled the lever on the ceiling. "Floor two."

The turbolift slowly begun sinking to the lower levels.

He was going to have to think of some awesome story to explain to Blondie and Doctor how he got this bruise.

Are space ninjas too unbelievable?

* * *

Back in his private chambers, Jim Kirk frowned. His eyes scanned the computer in front of him.

Bones had made a complaint today.

That wasn't out of the ordinary, no. On the contrary; the good doctor probably made more complaints and resignation letters then anyone else in the history of Starfleet.

Normally he didn't give these much attention—if he even read them at all—instead letting all of them be sent straight into the ships database, but this…

This was different.

The complaint was of a young girl, who couldn't be more than nineteen or twenty, who wore a medical officer's uniform but acted like she had never seen a starship before. Bones complained that she impeded his work on a patient because apparently, she didn't know what a bone regenerator was, nor what a medical tricorder was.

Rewatching the security tapes from earlier today, along with Bone's written complaint, it was quite obvious that girl had no idea what she was doing. She seemed to be in a panicked haze, squinting at labels and pressing buttons in random order.

Jim had never met her before.

He chewed his lip, leaning back in his chair, thinking. He had checked the entire Starfleet database for anyone who had been transferred to the Enterprise recently.

No one had.

This girl, the one whose knowledge of medical science was abhorrent, wasn't supposed to be here.

She was not a member of Starfleet.

She was not a member of the Enterprise.

Jim usually wouldn't read this much into not knowing someone's name — though he prided himself in having memorized the name of every crew member on his ship — but paired with the strangely-acting ensign from earlier, it was awfully suspicious.

The ensign who had talked to―and had been slapped by―Uhura a while before looked very suspicious when Kirk had asked about his background and his name. He had seemed nervous as well, just like the girl in medbay.

He didn't belong on the Enterprise either.

It didn't take much digging for Jim to get two accounts of another, similar man who went down to engineering.

One account was from Scotty, who had been passive aggressive towards Jim when he called him to make sure the transporters will be ready for a supply drop of urgent medical supplies. When Jim asked, Scotty explained he was annoyed because Jim "didn't even bother to give him a wee warnin' about the new transfer comin' down. This is the Enterprise, after all. You can't just throw a bunch of wild lobsters in a tank without telling the cook and call it Christmas, now can yee?"

By the time it took Jim to decode what _that_ meant, Scotty had already left, but he still left a digital report for the Captain to find. Apparently the man had disappeared along with a very delicate piece of equipment, which Scotty was not particularly happy about losing.

The other account was from Chekov, who had been irritable the whole morning. And by _irritable,_ Jim meant more irritable than normal.

Chekov had spat out a long angry speech about an ensign in a red shirt that was "compweety imcompetant ". He spoke so angrily and so quickly that Jim was only able to catch certain phrases and words, such as 'zee new twansfer deednt even know Meester Scott's name!" or "coulndt eeven use the torboleeft! Deednt even know what one looked like!" or "Compweety lost! Figuratively, and leeterally!"

_Something here isn't adding up._

Those three people whose names turned out to be Jack Harkniss, Rose Tyler, and John Smith must be the worst con men either. _John Smith_? Really? Jim couldn't find any files on them in the Enterprise database, nor could he find any of their transfer papers. The mystery was getting stranger and stranger, and Jim was beginning to worry that the three might be a danger to the ship.

The door to his quarters hissed open, and the Captain's second officer peered into the room with interest.

"You called for me, Captain?"

"Mr. Spock," Jim said, not looking up from the screen. "I need you to do me a favour."

"Of course, Captain." Spock nodded, stepped into the room, and peered at the Captain's viewscreen.

"Run a background on these three people: Jack Harkness. Rose Tyler. John Smith," Jim said, leaning back in his chair. "I want to know how long they've been working for Starfleet, if they're working for Starfleet, that is, I want to see their transfer papers, I want to know their grades they graduated with at Starfleet, I want to know where they're from, I want to know their full names, if they have any siblings, what they like to do for fun, if they have any allergies, whether they prefer cats or dogs, or if they prefer neither and would rather have a goldfish or a hamster. Everything you can find! Got it, Mr Spock?"

"Understood."

Spock nodded again and headed for the door.

"And Mr. Spock," Jim said suddenly. Spock turned. "Have you heard of the _Santa Maria_, by chance?"

"It is best known as the largest of the three ships used by the explorer Christopher Columbus when he discovered the Earthen continent known as America; though whether or not he was the first to find it is disputed by many." Spock answered. "But may I ask for what reason this has captured your attention?"

"No particular reason. You are dismissed."

Spock nodded for the third time, raised an eyebrow, and left. His arms were clasped behind his back, and his gait was steady.

Jim turned back to the screen, the blue light illuminating his face as he searched around the Starfleet database. He closed the Starfleet database and started to search the Earth's files, using his status as an entry key.

He needed to find out if he was right, if these people could be a potential threat to the Enterprise or even to the Federation.

And if he _was_ right, if they weren't with Starfleet, then who were they?

What were they doing on the Enterprise?

And what did they want?


	5. A Hectic Away Mission

"You ran into a pole?" Rose deadpanned, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, wasn't fun." Jack shrugged and gestured at his bruise, which now extended across his whole cheekbone. Rose eyed it skeptically.

The Doctor popped his head out from behind the TARDIS like a prairie dog, his eyes sparkling mischievously and his hair at funny angles. "Really? That's odd. I didn't see many poles on the ship."

"That's because they were only on the top floor, _Sherlock_," Jack said, shooting Doctor a glare before turning back to Rose. "And I wouldn't have ran into it had I not been so focused on the mission. Let me tell you, these people were no joke. Security guards were on every corner. But they were no match for the best con man in the world!"

"Would that be you, per say?" Rose asked, smirking and tilting her head back slightly.

"The one and only." Jack grinned. "No one bests Captain Jack Harkniss."

"Unless you're a pole," Doctor sang, turning around to beam shamelessly at Jack and his sizable bruise. Rose snorted loudly and doubled over, laughing.

"Oh, be quiet," Jack said, scowling. Doctor grinned again and ducked behind the TARDIS, continuing his work.

"I'm actually quite impressed. You had quite a bit more luck than I did," Rose shrugged.

"Oh?"

She made a face, scrunching up her nose and shaking her head. "I'd take running into a pole over one of those awful psychological examinations any day."

The Doctor's head appeared again, this time looking quite concerned. "Psychological examination? What psychological examination? They didn't suspect you, did they?"

"No, I don't think so. The head doctor probably thought I was a bit daft, that's all," Rose said. "I think he made a complaint."

"Oh no! Not a complaint!" Jack gasped and put a hand over his heart in mock horror. "Next thing you know they'll put you on probation!"

Rose laughed. "Hopefully they'll just fire me. If they don't, I'll quit!"

"There!" Doctor stood up, clapped his hands together, and carefully inspected the TARDIS. Rose peered over his shoulder. The TARDIS' wall looked like it had never been damaged in the first place.

Maybe all the trouble she had been through had been worth it after all.

"She'll be ready to fly in an hour," Doctor said cheerfully, patting the blue box lovingly. Jack sighed audibly, hanging his head back and rolling his eyes.

"An hour? Come on!" Jack whined. "I have places I need to be.".

"Oh really, _you_ have places to be?' Doctor scoffed, not taking his eyes off the newly-fixed TARDIS. "And where might those places be?"

"You know, around," Jack shrugged, gesturing at the air with his hands. Rose raised her eyebrow at him again, and he pursed his lips and sighed.

"Around _where_?" Doctor asked.

"Look, you know what? It doesn't matter. What does matter is that we're stuck on this stupid ship with nothing to do," Jack cried. "What are we going to do for the next hour? 'Cause I don't plan on just sitting around."

At that moment a bell chimed overhead, and a female voice drifted through the ships speakers.

"_Ensign Jack Harkniss, Nurse Tyler, and Ensign John Smith of Engineering: please report to the transportation room immediately to assist with the supply drop on Centuria III."_

"Well, would you look at that. Looks like we found something to do," Doctor said cheerfully, straightening his red shirt and dashing for the door.

"Doctor, wait," Rose said anxiously, and Doctor paused. "Don't you think it's suspicious that they're calling for us specifically?"

"Absolutely!"

"And you're not at all nervous?" Jack asked.

"Course not!" Doctor whipped the supply door open, a wild grin upon his face. "Allons-Y!"

Rose shrugged her shoulders and quickly followed the Doctor.

"We're gonna get caught!" Jack yelled to their retreating backs.

"Almost getting caught is a part of the fun!" Doctor yelled back, his voice distant.

Jack muttered angrily under his breath before reluctantly following them.

* * *

Jim Kirk rubbed his hands together slowly, glancing over the urgent medical supplies. The mission was of importance, of course, otherwise the Enterprise would not be transporting it, but it was an easy mission overall. All that really needed to be done was to beam the supplies down and then warp away, but these strangers made him nervous, and he wanted to watch them try to do something as simple as cargo transportation.

The strangers awkwardly lined themselves against the wall. The girl, Rose, fiddled with her sleeves, bounced on her feet, and looked nervously from side to side, as if looking for routes for escape. The slightly older man right next to her, John Smith, was strangely giddy, with grins too big for his face and wide eyes, which―along with his out-of-control hair―gave him the impression of a psychiatric patient. The third stranger, Jack Harkniss, was the only one who was doing a passable imitation of a Starfleet officer, but the large purple and black bruise on his face reminded Jim of earlier, when the fake ensign was slapped by Lieutenant Uhura.

Scotty flipped a few switches and readied the transporter, giving Jim an odd look. "Really, Captain. It's just a wee supply drop. There's no need to be goin' with. I'm sure you have plenty of other things to be doin'."

"No, no, Scotty. I need to keep an eye on a few things," Jim assured him, patting the engineer's shoulder, and tipping his head at the three behind him. Scotty's eyes flicked over at the fidgeting group and nodded, understanding what the Captain meant to do.

Jim turned to the three strangers. "Crewmen. You know your roles?"

"Well, um," Ensign Smith said, nodding, "it's a supply drop, right? So we will be… dropping... supplies..."

"More specifically?"

"Of course… we will be dropping _urgent_ supplies," Smith drawled, raising his eyebrows and beaming blithely. He looked over to Nurse Tyler and gave her an enthusiastic thumbs up.

"_I knew this was a bad idea_," Nurse Tyler muttered, sighing and crossing her arms.

"You knew what was a bad idea, Nurse?" Jim asked, stepping so he was directly in front of her. He narrowed his eyes.

"Nothing!" she squeaked.

"Permission to speak, Captain?" Ensign Harkniss asked smoothly, his dark eyes meeting the Captain's with deep respect. Jim paused in front of Rose for a moment more before walking over to the ensign.

"Permission granted."

"I believe what my colleagues are meaning to say is each supply drop is different, so it is difficult to know what their roles will consist of," Harkniss informed him. "But the basic protocol is to make sure the supplies get to the recipient safely."

"Good," Jim said after a moment. He nodded and walked towards the transporter. "Prepare to beam us down, Mr. Scott. Send the supplies from the cargo bay down after us."

"Yes, Captain," Scotty's hand flew around the controls, typing in the coordinates and preparing the system to transport four people.

Jim turned when he got on the teleporter, only to realize that Harkniss was the only one who had followed him. Tyler and Smith stayed still, looking rather confused.

"I'm sorry, beam us down?" Ensign Smith asked, his brow scrunched together. He eyed the transporter with significant suspicion.

"Yes…" Jim said slowly. _Surely these people know what transporters are!_

"Ha ha, they're kidding Captain," Ensign Harniss said, giving the other two a significant look that border-lined on a glare. "You have to excuse them, they can be a bit slow sometimes, _as you'll find out_; it takes a while for their minds to _catch_ up. They obviously don't want to be _caught _not knowing what they're doing."

The blonde nodded quickly. "Right! What he said!"

She and Smith quickly stood on the teleporter, though obviously they had no idea what they were doing; for they were standing in the wrong spots and shuffling around.

Ensign Harkniss put his fist by his mouth, "_cough cough- stand on the circles- cough cough."_

Jim raised his eyebrows, sighed, and nodded towards the dumbfounded scotsman as the other two adjusted their footing. "Beam us down, Mr. Scott."

"I, uh… right away, Captain." Scotty nodded, flipping a few more switches before sliding a lever forward, initiating the transport.

Instantly Jim felt weightless as they were teleported down to the planet below. The feeling started as a faint buzz all over his body, but then intensified into a tremulous vibrating. His heart dropped as his molecules separated, and he felt a moment of darkness as he traveled through empty space.

Being used to the feeling of teleportation, Jim was unfazed.

The others did not seem to share this feeling.

Ensign Harkniss shook violently his head―a little disoriented maybe―but quickly gathered his bearings and stood tall, clasping his arms behind his back and looking to the Captain for instruction.

Nurse Tyler stumbled and pressed her hand against a nearby wall for support, looking like she was going to be sick.

Ensign Smith, on the other hand, was turning around in a tight circle, hugging his waist, looking at his hands, pulling his pants up to look at his feet, and looking rather dumbfounded.

"My molecules!" John gasped, grasping his waist again. "What… I… we… Molecules!" Smith jerked around to face Kirk, his eyes ablaze and excited. "Our molecules were just completely deconstructed, and then teleported through the air, and reconstructed in a different location! Oh that's brilliant! Bloody brilliant! It's just like that one movie… I can't remember the name… Rose!" he leapt over to Nurse Tyler, whose face was as white as clouds. "What movie am I thinking of? It starred Johnny Depp! Came out in the late 1900's…"

_The 1900's? Seriously?_ Jim looked at the man concernedly. He was starting to be worried for his sanity.

"I think I'm gonna be sick," Nurse Tyler muttered, pressing a hand against her mouth and sliding down the wall. Ensign Harkniss stared straight ahead, his mouth set and his eyes dead and pained.

"No, that's not it," Smith disagreed with Nurse Tyler. He ran his fingers through his hair and rocked back and forth on his feet, looking like a mad man. "1970 something. Or 1980 something. I can't remember… It was good. Well, I mean, the original was better. I think it was a reboot. It was based off a book, right? Right? I watched it one of the last times I visited Earth. They teleported that small child through the air exactly the way we just did, but it went wrong and he got sucked into a T.V.… what was it called…"

"We should focus on the mission," Harkniss said firmly through his teeth, his face impassive, but Jim could see a hint of murderous rage in his eyes.

"Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory!" Smith shouted suddenly, throwing his hands in the air in triumph. Jim jumped back in surprise, hand instinctively traveling to his phaser.

This man was not in his right mind.

"Jack! Jack! Wasn't that completely and absolutely incredible?" Smith said excitedly. "I mean, come on! Even someone like you can appreciate the brilliance of- ow! Hey!"

Ensign Harkniss was grinding his foot into Ensign Smith's.

"Would you like us run a perimeter check, Captain?" Ensign Harkniss asked, ignoring the whimpering Ensign next to him, who was holding his foot, pinching his face in pain, and hopping up and down.

"Uh… yes. Yes. Go ahead."

Harkniss nodded respectfully, before not-so-subtly grabbing both Smith and Tyler by their upper arms and leading them away.

"Wait, not you, Ensign Smith," Jim said, jerking his head towards the containers that had been transported nearby. "I need you to start unboxing some of this medical equipment."

Harkniss gave Smith another significant look before he and Tyler disappeared around the corner. Ensign Smith hobbled over towards the Captain, mumbling darkly about his sore foot.

Jim crossed his arms, glancing around the room before his eyes landed on Ensign Smith once again, who was staring at the engraved wall in front of him, squinting at it and feeling the designs.

"So, you know each other." Jim nodded his head towards the direction the duo disappeared to.

Ensign Smith looked at him doubtfully. "What would give you that impression?"

Jim raised his eyebrows. "You're kidding, right?"

"I've never met them before in my life," Smith claimed, and his gaze shifted again, this time to the ceilings, which were also engraved in geometric designs.

"Really?"

"Yep," Smith replied, popping the 'p' and smiling preposterously at the Captain for a single second before returning his attention to the ceilings, his mouth ajar.

"I see," Jim said slowly, his eyebrows raised. "Well, you can go on and unload the supplies. I need to make a quick call to the Enterprise."

Smith nodded.

Once out of earshot Jim flipped open his communicator. "This is Captain Kirk to the Enterprise. Come in, Enterprise."

"I'm reading you loud and clear, Captain."

"Mr. Spock," Jim said. "Is there any update on the special task I assigned you?"

"Affirmative Captain. I can confirm that the three individuals known as John Smith, Rose Tyler, and Jack Harkniss have no documents assigning them to the Enterprise, nor are they in any way, shape or form affiliated with Starfleet."

Jim nodded his head solemnly. "I thought so. Who are they?"

"No one, Captain."

"That's not an answer, Spock. Who are they?"

"I just said Captain, they are no one."

Jim sighed. "You didn't find anything of importance?"

"Negative, Captain. I did not discover anything at all."

Jim's brow furrowed. "Mr. Spock, you better stop playing games right now-"

"I assure you Captain, Vulcans do not 'play games', as you put it," Spock answered, his emotionless voice affirming his claim.

"Then explain," Jim ordered, eyeing Smith suspiciously as the ensign rapped the side of the container sharply and jumped back as if the medical supplies were about to attack him.

"None of the individuals have any recorded documents of any kind. Its as if they simply materialized onto the Enterprise without a hint to their origins. According to our databases, they simply do not exist."

"That's… impossible, right?"

"Obviously not, Captain."

Jim rubbed his mouth, going quiet and staring at the fake ensign, who was attempting to simply drag the medical supplies away instead of using the grav-lifters.

_Whoever these people are, they are not very good con men. You would think that any spy or intruder would know how to use our technology. Nurse Tyler couldn't identify any of the medical supplies. Ensign Harkniss flirted with Uhura―which everyone knows not to do―and then he couldn't provide a good backstory when I asked. Ensign Smith didn't know about anything, apparently; he didn't even know how to operate a turbolift. They were all acting very suspicious, and they absolutely weren't in Starfleet, and none of them seem to exist in any database at all. _

_What should I do with these intruders?_

"Captain?" Spock asked, dispersing Jim's thoughts.

"Alert Mr. Scott and prepare a security team to be transported to the planet's surface. I want a holding cell to be readied immediately," Jim said, lowering his voice even more and cupping his other hand around the communicator. "These three individuals are going to be held in the brig until further notice."

"Right away, Captain."

"Kirk out." Jim flipped off his communicator and stuck it to his belt and looked back at John Smith, who was now halfway across the room, leaning his back against the containers and pushing them inch by inch across the floor. Upon seeing the Captain's attention upon him, the fake ensign waved vigorously.

Jim Kirk sighed deeply and walked over to the imposter.

"Ensign Smith."

Smith looked up, a lopsided grin on his face. "Yes?"

"Unfortunately, I-"

A bloodcurdling, female shriek pierced the air.

Smith's face immediately went white, as if he had seen a ghost. "Rose," he breathed. He dropped the medical bin, the expensive medical equipment rattling inside, and darted off towards the sound.

Jim followed him.

_This John Smith, he seems to know Miss Tyler very well. _Jim pursed his lips as he ran and made a mental note to ask Smith about his relationship with the others later.  
They quickly found the other two; Harkniss was on the floor, clutching his leg against his chest, cursing softly with his phaser discarded nearby. Nurse Tyler was red faced and furious and held a long metal pipe in her hands, her phaser still on her belt. She was beating another man with it frantically, who was attempting to dodge her blows with exceptional dexterity.

"Rose!" Smith yelled, his eyes flying wide.

Nurse Tyler looked up for a moment, giving the other man just enough time to shove her to the ground, the pipe flying across the floor, landing with a heavy metal clang.

Smith rushed to her aid, but Jim was focused on the other man, who was searching his waist for something, most likely a weapon. He was tall, heavy-set and had long dark hair, his clothes were made of iron and tough cloth and were criss-crossed in intricate designs. He was bearded and his forehead was long and had ridges that formed various symmetrical patterns.

They made brief eye contact, the man's eyes flashed with recognition, and his hands froze on his waist. Jim froze as well, anger and precaution filling his mind.

He would recognize one of them anywhere.

_A Klingon_.

Jim whipped out his phaser, aiming it at the Klingon's chest. The other man fell into a ready position: his legs apart and bent, his hands up and defensive. "Freeze! This planet is under the jurisdiction of Starfleet. You are trespassing under the treaty agreed upon by our peoples."

The Klingon was frozen to the spot for a moment, indecisive as he looked about. He turned on his heel and ran the other direction, down a long hall.

Jim fired his weapon, hitting the Klingon square in the shoulder, causing him to stumble and grunt, but Klingons are hardy creatures. He leapt up and kept going at the same speed. Before Jim could fire again, the man leapt out of a nearby window.

Jim rushed to the window and peered out; the Klingon had disappeared. Kirk pocketed his phaser and punched the window sill. Pain flared in his knuckles.

He cursed softly. _Klingons! Why does it always have to be Klingons? Klingons have to be the most disagreeable creatures alive, and they don't care about treaties and they all hate humans. I already have those three imposters to take care of, and then Klingons show up; can this get any worse than it already is?_

He turned back to the other three. Smith was helping Tyler to her feet, fretting over her and panicking, but she had minimal injuries. Harkniss was also trying to get up, the color in his face drained and a decent sized burn on his leg.

Jim gritted his teeth and leveled his phaser at Ensign Smith.

Tyler was the first to notice it, her eyes going wide and a small gasp escaping her. "Doctor! Look out!"

Smith's head whipped up, his eyebrows raising at Jim's phaser. He held his hands up in surrender, the lazy smile that always seemed to be on his face gone.

"Are you crazy?" Smith asked incredulously. "Don't point that at me. Point it at the other guy!"

"The 'other guy's' not here," Jim growled. "You are."

"That man just attacked us! He's the enemy, not us! We're on the same side!"

"Cut the act," Jim said darkly, his phaser still pointing threateningly at Smith.

"The… the act?" Smith asked meekly, trying the look innocent and failing greatly. Harkniss gave a heavy sigh from the ground, and Miss Tyler pursed her lips in exasperation.

"You're under arrest for posing as Starfleet Officers and for possibly conspiring with a Klingon."

"Come on now, we can talk about this. Be reasonable," Smith said cautiously, his hands slowly lowering to his phaser on his belt, but Jim held his phaser closer to him, and he raised his hands again with a hard sigh.

"You threw away your chance to talk when you _illegally_ boarded my ship," Jim snapped.

At that moment, the whir of someone being transported rang through Jim's ears. Eight security officers rounded the corner, all their phasers drawn and their stances alert and ready.

"Captain?" one questioned.

"Arrest them."

"Hey, hold the phone!" Smith said, holding both hands out in front of him. He and Tyler were backed into a corner as four security officers circled them. Two more lifted Harkniss up by his forearms and transported up to the ship to give him medical assistance.

"Ensign," Jim said, nodding at another officer who was standing nearby and placing his phaser at his belt.

"Yes Captain?"

"Set up a perimeter. There was a Klingon spotted in the area."

The man's mouth dropped slightly, his posture stiffened, and his hands were gripping his phaser in an almost military fashion. "Yes, Captain."

"As for them," Jim waved his hand at the two other prisoners. "Take them to the brig."

* * *

**Hello. Thank you again for reading our crossover! We apologize for not posting in a while; we are very busy and our chapters are long; especially this one. Please tell us what you think! **

**Thank you!**

**-LogicalVulcan and IdenticalSnowflakes**


	6. Incompetent Impostors

McCoy raised his eyebrows, sceptically looking at the imposter cuffed to the biobed. The prisoner, Jack Harkniss, had both an impressive bruise encompassing the larger half of his cheek, and a large phaser burn on his calf. Jack wasn't unconscious, but staring blankly at the ceiling, his lips pursed so hard that they began turning white.

"How was the injury inflicted?" Bones asked slowly, grabbing a medical tricorder from a nearby table and switching it on.

"I tripped and fell," Jack snapped sarcastically, trying and failing to wave one of his cuffed hands towards his leg. "What do you think, _genius_? I was shot!"

McCoy inhaled sharply and counted to ten. "By whom, what was the phaser's setting, and from what distance?"

"I don't know! Forehead shot me."

"You mean a Klingon?" McCoy asked slowly, as if he were talking to a toddler.

"Sure. Why not."

"I find that unlikely."

"And why is that?" Jack sighed, returning his blank gaze once again to the ceiling. McCoy brought the medical tricorder near the burn and nodded affirmingly.

"You can only get this kind of burn from a Starfleet phaser set to a low setting that was fired very close to the target," McCoy grunted, not taking his eyes off his medical tricorder.

"If you already know then why did you ask—you know what? I don't care! Nope!" Jack grumbled, and shifted his legs. Harkniss winced, cursed, and let his legs go still again as Doctor McCoy stood awkwardly above him with a bemused expression.

"So I'll ask again. How was the injury inflicted?"

Jack groaned, squinting his eyes shut.

"_Ishotmyself_," he mumbled.

"Pardon?"

"I shot myself, okay?" Jack roared, his hands pulling at the handcuffs as he tried to sit up. "It was the stupid gun's fault for looking so weird. And forehead jumped out of _nowhere_, okay? I didn't have time to think!"

McCoy snorted, closing the medical tricorder. "Yeah, I'm getting the feeling that _thinking_ is not your team's forte."

"Hey!"

"Well, you're lucky the phaser was on such a low setting. Any higher and it might have killed you," McCoy mused, looking back at the charts reading the captive's vitals. "Though in my opinion, that would have been natural selection."

"HEY!"

"This is an easy fix. You'll be all better just in time for your trial and interrogation." McCoy snickered inside as he watched Jack Harkniss' eyes grow wide and then revert to normal.

"Wow, gee, thanks," Jack muttered, rolling his eyes. Doctor McCoy smirked and disappeared into the other room and opened up a cabinet.

He paused, staring at the contents.

"Now where is my darn dermal regenerator?!"

* * *

Spock stared at the three prisoners cuffed to the large table. Nurse Tyler looked rather unsettled, as did Ensign Smith, who was grumbling about how the décor in the brig was 'awful' and 'had no fashion sense at all'. Ensign Harkniss looked as if he wished to be anywhere else.

"Let the interrogation of John Smith, Rose Tyler, and Jack Harkness begin... if those are your real names," Jim added, giving them a suspicious look. He pressed his hands on the table and leaned forward. "Do you know what the charges against you are?"

The three were silent.

"Well," Smith began, drawing out the word and looking at his companions, who did nothing but stare in random directions. Smith closed his mouth.

"It's a simple yes or no question," McCoy said sternly.

"Not re-"

"Posing as members of Starfleet and allegedly associating with a forehead," Jack said bluntly, cutting Smith off. His expression stayed blank and emotionless.

Jim blinked. "A forehead?"

"Captain," Spock interjected, "I believe he is referring to a Klingon, as a Klingon's ridged forehead is a most defining characteristic of-"

"Yeah, Thesaurus, we get the metaphor!" McCoy snapped, leaning back in his chair and giving a dramatic sigh.

"I was merely trying to be thorough and offer some explanation."

"Be thorough somewhere else. We're not stupid."

Spock raised his eyebrows and nodded. "I believe that statement is still up for debate."

McCoys eyes widened and then narrowed in sharp anger. "Why you no good, green blooded-"

"We were brainwashed!" Rose blurted.

A silence fell over the table as everyone in the room slowly turned to look at Rose.

"What?" McCoy asked.

"Yeah, _what?_" Jack hissed, and there was a soft scratching sound as he dug his fingernails into the chair he was sitting in.

'"We were brainwashed!" Rose repeated loudly, more confident this time. "An evil bad guy put little robots in our brains that made us do stuff, and they forced us to pretend to be people on your space ship!"

"Yeah! Mind control!" Smith said, grinning and nodding along.

"Uh huh! Little tiny robots! Like this big." There was a moment of metallic scraping as Rose attempted to raise her hands to presumably show how big the robots were. "Very tiny," she said instead, nodding convincingly.

"Very tiny. In our brains."

"Oh, God," Jack breathed, his eyes dulling over. "You've got to be kidding me."

"I gave bird-nest-hair over here a full brain scan during her psychological examination," McCoy said skeptically, gesturing at Rose. "I think I would have picked up on _tiny robots_."

"Please, excuse them," Jack said desperately, glaring daggers at his companions. "They're stressed. They're not thinking clearly, and-"

"Yeah! We're _crazed_!" Smith yelled, and opened his eyes wide and pulled against the restraints hard, almost tipping his chair and causing the guards at the door to raise their phasers.

"Completely insane!" Rose insisted, and made a very strange face: her eyes stretched as wide as humanly possible, a smile that scrunched up her entire face, and her left eye began to twitch occasionally. Her bun on top her head bobbed up and down methodically.

"That is _not_ what I said…" Jack whispered, staring blankly at the table. The others ignored him as they continued to fabricate fantastical stories, and Kirk, Spock, and McCoy simply let them speak, with expressions that were both awed and completely confused.

"I hear voices!"

"I do too!" Smith cried and smiled lopsidedly. "And I see things!"

Kirk tried to hold up a hand to stop their endless claims, but Rose barreled right over him, her voice high and panicked.

"You can't hold a crazy person accountable, can you?" Rose said, her voice rising several octaves. "I'm so _crazy_!"

"You think _you're_ crazy? _I'm_ crazy!" Smith yelled, and this time he pulled on his restraints so hard that his chair tipped over, where he laughed maniacally from the floor. "I'm so crazy!"

"I'm even more crazy!" Rose yelled, and she twisted her head back and forth rapidly so her ugly bun on top her head fell out. She turned and bit a large amount of her hair with her teeth and began to grunt like an ape.

"_Why me?"_ Jack whispered, sinking deeper into his chair.

"It is physically impossible to be more crazy than me! I don't even-"

"Again!" McCoy snapped, rubbing his eyes. "Psychological examination. You're not insane. I would have known."

"I believe what my colleagues are trying to say is that this is a huge misunderstanding," Jack pleaded. "We were tricked, you see. Someone told us that-"

"That you were ZOMBIES!" Rose interrupted, leaning forward and spitting her hair out of her mouth.

"No..." Jack whispered, squeezing his eyes shut. He bit down on his lip so hard that a line of blood appeared.

"And if you found out who we were, you would have eaten our brains!" Rose said. "Literally! That's what they told us!"

"I can confirm that!" Smith said affirmingly, his voice muffled from the floor. "You can count me as a witness. That's exactly what happened."

"And who told you this?" Jim asked skeptically. McCoy's face behind him was very red and his fists were clenched at his sides. Spock simply stood there, his hands behind his back and a calculating expression on his face.

"Klingons!" Smith and Rose exclaimed simultaneously.

_You fools,_ Jack mouthed, his face dead and hopeless and his gaze blank on the table.

"So you are working with the Klingons!" Kirk said, narrowing his eyes. He leaned over the table and looked into Rose's eyes and then at Smith's on the ground.

"Uh… n-no no, we are not…" Smith claimed, pursing his lips. Jim stood back up, made an _ah _expression and exchanged disbelieving looks with his senior officers. His expression than deepened into a dark frown.

"You just said you were," Kirk reminded him.

"I didn't say that. When did I say that?"

"Just now!"

"Rose, did I say that?" Smith asked.

"No. I didn't hear anything." She shook her head.

"See! Told you!"

"Is he serious?" McCoy asked incredulously, his face a cartoonish bright red and his hands clenched so hard that they made half moon circles into the surface of his palms.

"We all heard you claim that the Klingons provided you with false information and influenced your actions aboard this ship," Spock said, yet again with an eyebrow raised. "Denying this is futile."

"Aha!" Smith cheered, but since his face was smashed up against the ground, it sounded more like a grunt. "So now you're hearing things! Who's crazy now?"

Jack's eye twitched.

"Maybe you're the guilty ones. Maybe _you_ should get a psychological examination!" accused Rose, a triumphant smile pricking the sides of her mouth.

"Boom! You're found guilty! I win! Checkmate! Game, set, match!" Smith shouted muffledly, beaming unabashingly at the Starfleet officers. "King me."

"Home run," Rose added.

"Touch down," whispered Smith from the ground.

The room went silent. Jack was so still that he appeared to be a wax statue.

"What in tarnation…" said McCoy, shaking his head and unclenching his hands.

"I'd like to plead guilty of all charges and request the death sentence. Please. Right now," Jack moaned, sagging his shoulders and hanging his head.

"We can't-"

"And I plead the fifth," interrupted Rose, her face stubborn and pleased.

"You. Are. British!" Jack burst out, his face beet red.

"The fifth?" Jim asked, rubbing his hand over his face and looking to his first officer for an explanation.

"When an accused is pleading the fifth in a court of law, they are referring to the fifth amendment of the United States constitution. This allowed the accused to stay silent when asked a question," explained Spock. "This, of course, is only applicable in American courtroom scenarios."

"Yes, thank you, Mr. Spock," Jim said, running his hands through his hair and sighing deeply again. His patience was evidently running thin, and the three infiltrators seemed even more incompetent than he had originally believed.

"I'm sorry, again," Jack grunted through gritted teeth. "I think there's been another misunderstanding. Perhaps my colleagues would like for me to do the speaking from now on? You see, my associate here obviously wasn't referring to the fifth amendment of the United States, she was-"

"Of course I'm not referring to the fifth amendment!" blurted Rose. "I'm, um, referring to the fifth… clause… in the treaty of the… the Daleks, in agreement with the rules of the…. Cybermen, signed by the Slitheen family and agreed upon by the… Time… Lords…"

There was a thud as Jack's head hit the table.

"Just take us to jail, please," he moaned.


	7. A TARDIS in the Closet

Ensign Miller sighed and rapped his hands furiously on the table. He was sitting in brig control, working his shift, and staring at the screen in front of him. In his right ear was a communications device. He had been assigned to monitor the new prisoners in the brig, and they had to be some of the most boring people in the world. They talked of nothing of importance for nearly an hour, and Miller was beginning to think he was being punished for making a snide joke about his senior officer earlier that week. He sighed again and sank lower in his seat and forced his eyes open. He simply _had _to watch the prisoners of lesser intelligence, or he could be transferred to another ship, or worse, scrub the plasma injectors.

He turned the volume on the device in his ear up and listened attentively.

"The original was _way_ better than the reboot. No question," Smith insisted. "It looked kinda fake, sure, but it was made before CGI. Plus, it was more accurate to the source material. And I mean, the new one added things that weren't even in the book!"

"But the new one has Johnny Depp," Rose argued, rubbing her wrists and staring defiantly at her companion.

"True, but what _matters_ more? The actors, or the quality of the movie itself?"

"It's the actors that make a movie good quality."

"In some cases, sure. But there's an argument to be made for-"

"Can you _please_ stop talking about Willy Wonka and his stupid Chocolate Factory?" Jack groaned. He was on the single bed in the cell, on his back with his eyes closed, trying to get some sleep. Evidently, it was not faring well for him.

"Well, what movie do you suggest we talk about, then?" Smith asked loudly, glaring at the exhausted fake ensign. Jack groaned and rolled to face the wall.

"How about we just sit in silence?" Jack pleaded. Miller agreed with him silently.

"Fine," Smith said, shrugging. Rose nodded and sat on the floor, and a moment later, Smith joined her.

They went quiet for a good two seconds.

Then Smith began singing _The Sound of Silence _under his breath. He only knew a few of the words, and would make up random gibberish for the rest. After a few seconds Rose joined in, humming it very off key.

"_That's not what I meant by silence_," Jack hissed, turning around and sitting up. His eyes were rimmed with red and slightly unfocused, his hair stuck up in all directions, and his bruise on his face now was turning colors of green and yellow as well as blue and black.

"Speaking of, _never _watch _The Silence of the Lambs_," Rose whispered to Smith. "Gave me nightmares for months."

Smith's brow furrowed. "What's so scary about a bunch of cute, little baby sheep? It sounds adorable."

Rose blinked. "That's- it's not- that's not what it's…"

"I have a headache," Jack bemoaned, flopping back onto the bed and squeezing his eyes shut.

"Take an Advil then," Smith said dismissively, drawing invisible lines with his fingers on the ground and smelling them. He wrinkled his nose.

Miller snorted and frowned to prevent a smile from forming on his face.

Jack glared at him. "What Advil? In case you haven't noticed, we are IN PRISON! IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!"

"Geesh. No need to yell," Smith scowled. Rose's head bobbed in agreement.

"No need to yell?" Jack screeched, his face murderous. "No need to yell?!"

"That's what I said."

"I am going to die here. That's it," Jack snapped. "It's over. We're doomed."

"Jack-"

"I said we shouldn't go when they called us for that little supply drop. I said it was a bad idea. 'We're gonna get caught.' I said that! And what happened?" Jack said. "We got caught? But does the 900-year-old alien listen? No! Because he's not interested in anything that's not _life threatening_ and _stupid!_"

Miller sat up straighter in his seat.

"Oh bugger off," Smith said, shooting him an annoyed glare. "We'll be fine."

"How can you say that?" Jack asked snidely, his hands twitching at his sides as if he were just able to stop himself from strangling him.

"The TARDIS is still safe and sound; just waiting for us. We get out of here, find her, and go back to our own universe. Simple as that."

"Where did we park the TARDIS, anyway?" Rose asked nonchalantly, staring through the window at the front of the cell.

"Um… a little supply closet on the fourth floor. Section 3-B, to be exact." He frowned. "Either that or section 3-C…. I can't remember exactly."

Miller's brows stitched together. _What in the world is a TARDIS? Who's 900? Did Smith say the words 'get back to our own universe?'_

"Oh, great, he doesn't remember," Jack laughed dryly. He sank his fingernails into his arm and gritted his teeth.

"I kind of remember! I remember enough!" Smith cried defensively. Rose leaned over and patted him twice on the back in sympathy.

"Wow, that makes me feel so much better. Not!" Jack snapped.

"Will you just-"

"You forgot one thing in your master plan, genius," Jack said, cutting him off. He gestured at their surroundings, now completely awake. "How are we getting out of here?"

"Through the door, of course!"

"Oh _man_," Jack said, hitting his palm against his head. His voice absolutely _dripped_ with sarcasm, like a melting popsicle on a warm summer day. "Why didn't _I_ think of that?"

Ensign Miller decided he had enough. He picked up his small monitor and pressed the communication button on the wall.

"Ensign Miller to the bridge," Miller said into it, his eyes still glued to the screen. "I need to speak with Captain Kirk. Immediately."

Miller didn't take his eyes off the screen.

"_I have an idea,_" Smith was saying, whispering to his companions. "_How good are you at playing dead_?"

"This is Captain Kirk. Report."

* * *

Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock pored over the video Ensign Miller, sent, looking up the references to movies and trying to see if the impostors were using some sort of code. There didn't seem to be one; it looked as if the three had no idea that they were being monitored. They played the same scene over and over again, in which Smith remembers where he put something called the TARDIS and where Jack becomes angry and mocks him, calling him a 900-year-old alien. There was also a passing statement that made it sound as if the three weren't even from their universe. It was all very perplexing.

"Ensign Ross to Captain Kirk." came a hesitant grainy voice over Kirk's communicator.

"This is Kirk. What's your status?"

"Uh… well… we entered the supply closet, the one the prisoner was overheard talking about? And… we, um… we found what we think he was talking about- and- uh…"

"Ensign, stop stalling. What is it?"

The crackling line went silent.

Jim raised an eyebrow. "Ensign?"

"Captain, uh… I think you're going to want to come down here and see this."

Jim looked at his first officer in disbelief. Spock merely shrugged.

"What's the problem? What is it?" Jim asked, his voice taking on a worried edge.

"Sir, I really think you should come see this."

"Is it dangerous? Unstable? What?" Jim demanded. "I'm ordering you to tell me something, Ensign."

"I… I'm unsure Captain. I just really think you need to come down here, sir."

Jim sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. "On my way."

Jim hopped out of his seat, nodding at Spock to follow him to the turbolift. They made their way down to the fourth floor. They walked with urgency down the hall, around several corners, right up to the supply closet, where Ensign Ross was waiting outside, fiddling with his hands nervously.

"This'd better be good, Ensign," Jim said coldly.

Ensign Ross nodded rapidly, jerking his thumb at the closet behind him. "It's in there, sir."

Jim shared a look with his first officer before slowly sliding the door open.

They stood in silence, surprise lathered on both their faces.

In the background, the ship's engine whirred.

"Is that a _phone booth?_" Jim asked in disbelief.

There, sitting in the closet, was a large blue wooden box; with windows and a door and a little sign that offered free public calls. Jim looked at Spock, his eyebrows high.

"It appears to actually be a _police_ _box_, Captain," Spock corrected, his gaze not straying from the strange sight. Jim paused, confused.

"What?"

"Police boxes were commonly used in the United Kingdom during the 20th century," Spock explained. "They provided the public with a way to contact the local authorities in case of an emergency, and it also served as a temporary holding cell if needed. This appears to be a fake, however, as the windows are much too small."

Jim looked perplexed. "So it's a phone booth for police… from hundreds of years ago… and it's a fake?"

"It would appear so, Captain. More or less."

Jim squeezed his eyes shut. "But _what_, pray tell, is it doing on my ship?"

"I'm afraid I do not know, Captain."

Jim pressed his lips together. "This day keeps getting better and better," he muttered.

He stepped inside the closet and looked around. There appears to be a slight dent in the police box, surrounded by a section that looked as if it had just gotten a new coat of paint. Carelessly tossed on the ground next to the box were three hangers and a wrinkled brown trench coat that was definitely not Starfleet regulation.

Also scattered across the floor was an earpiece, Scotty's missing quantum flux regulator, and what appeared to be a piece of medical equipment. Kirk picked it up before turning and trying to pull open the police box.

It didn't budge.

Jim tried again, yanking the old handle sharply.

It stayed where it was.

Huffing, he turned back to the confused ensigns. "Clean this mess up. And see if you can get this open."

"Right away, Captain," an ensign nodded, hurrying into the room and kneeling down to pick up the stolen equipment.

Kirk walked over to one of the communicators on the wall and punched the button a little too hard with his fist.

"Kirk to medbay."

"What do you want?" came Bone's grouchy reply.

"Doctor, would you happen to be missing a piece of medical equipment?" Jim asked, weighing it in his hand.

"Is it my DERMAL REGENERATOR?!" he shouted.

Jim raised his eyebrows, looking down at the piece again. "Uhh… maybe?"

"It was the girl, wasn't it? She took it? I've been looking for it everywhere! The nerve-"

"Is that a yes?" Jim interrupted.

"-how dare she?! That is an _extremely_ vital and important piece of equipment; I can not _believe-_"

"Okay, Bones, I'll have it returned to you immediately. Kirk out."

"-rat nest hair thinks she can-"

Jim flipped off the communicator. He waved over an ensign standing nearby. "Please return this to the medbay."

"Yes, Captain," she said, accepting the tool in her hand.

"And… be careful. Doctor McCoy is in a mood," Jim warned. The ensign nodded quickly and left the supply closet at a brisk pace.

Jim sighed before turning back to the communicator and turning it back on.

"This is Kirk to the brig. Come in."

"This is the brig… Ensign Miller reporting." came a hesitant and shy voice.

Kirk groaned internally. Ensign Miller could be a bit… slow. "Just checking in. How is everything down there?"

"Well. Everything's good, except, well… one of them is pretending to be dead."

Jim raised his eyebrows. "I'm sorry?"

"One of them, Smith, is lying on the ground pretending to be dead even though our medical scanners say he's very much alive; though they are picking up on two heartbeats… It might be a glitch in the system."

"Please focus," Jim sighed, and ran his hands through his hair.

"Right. Er… Smith is lying on the ground, pretending to be dead, and the girl is sobbing and screaming, and Harkniss is just nudging him with his foot and saying 'yep, he's dead. How unfortunate.' over and over again in a really deadpan voice."

"Oh, for the love-"

"And now they are requesting him to be moved to the morgue… sir, I think this is all a part of a really poor escape attempt… what should I do?"

Jim sighed, rubbing his hand over his face, and he was silent for a moment before perking up. "Tell them we don't have a morgue. Tell them once people die it's our custom to disintegrate them where they are."

"But, sir-"

"Just do it, Ensign."

"Yes, sir."

The line went dead for about ten seconds before Miller returned. "Sir, I did what you said and Smith jumped up claiming he was suddenly feeling much better, and Harkniss began kicking him repeatedly screaming that he's a zombie, and Miss Tyler is begging to be let out before, and I'm quoting her here, 'her brains get eaten'."

"Come on…"

"Smith has now jumped on top of Harkniss' back to stop him from kicking him, and for some reason Tyler has stolen their shoes and is throwing them at them. Everyone's screaming."

"Have you tried-"

"They are now all currently throwing their shoes at each other, and Mr. Smith is attempting to climb the walls. He is failing. And now he is on Harkniss' back again. And Tyler is trying to get on Smith's back. They've formed some sort of human tower; like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. And now… Ouch! That must have hurt. Harkniss slipped on a shoe… they all came tumbling down… just falling, like… like…. like lemmings. That doesn't look good." the ensign's voice trailed off.

"What doesn't look good?" Jim asked.

"Okay, our scanners are indicating at Mr. Harkniss' arm is, in fact, broken," Miller said musingly. "That's the bad news. The good news is that this job is a whole lot more interesting that I thought it was going to be."

Jim pinched the bridge of his nose. "You have _got_ to be kidding me."


	8. Technologies and Revelations

**Thank you for reading our fanfiction! We are very sorry that we haven't been able to post in a while, but this chapter is longer than some of the others, so it will be worth it (hopefully). Again, we are so glad that you are here! If you have any comments, use the comment section, and we will try to reply to you as soon as possible. Thank you!**

* * *

Ensign Miller sat back and smiled. He fiddled with the earpiece in his ear until it became comfortable and prepared to press the _record _button. Jack was coming back to the brig after another trip to the medbay, and he knew from experience that this was _going to be good. _

As soon as the forcefield closed behind him, Jack Harkniss was accosted by his two vibrant companions, their eyes bright and excited, and his flat and dull.

"How did they heal the bones so fast?" Smith asked, nearly yanking Harkniss off his feet as he grabbed his arm with an iron grip.

"Let go of my arm."

"It broke clean in half! And it's perfect! Like it had never broken!" Smith examined it even closer, bending the elbow and prodding the skin where the break had been earlier.

"Let go of my arm." Jack's voice had a tinge of annoyance as he tried to pull free.

"You were gone for no more than ten minutes! Fifteen at most! And poof! Healed!" Smith cried. "It's fantastic! Bloody fantastic!"

"Let _go_ of my arm." Jack bit out, gritting his teeth and looking at the floor.

"They probably used a bone regenerator," Rose said, nodding thoughtfully. "And a shot of anetrizine to numb the pain."

"Really?" Smith asked incredulously, tightening his grip on Jack's arm by accident. "How'd you know that?"

"I learned a great many things from my time in the medbay," Rose said proudly, moving her shoulders from side to side.

"No fair! I wanna go to the med bay!" Smith whined.

Jack glowered at him. "If you don't let go of my arm, _you will_."

"Sheesh," Smith said, tossing Jack's arm aside. "All you had to do is ask."

Jack inhaled sharply. "I _did _ask. Several times. But you _didn't listen_. But I guess I shouldn't be surprised. If you had listened to me once on this whole trip, then we wouldn't be in prison!"

"Actually, this is called a brig, not a prison," Smith corrected. "There's a difference."

"I don't care!" Jack seethed. "Call it whatever you like! My point is that you're an idiot, and we could have completely avoided this mess if you would have listened to me."

"No need to get _mean_," Smith pouted, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"I think he's hungry," Rose mused, studying Jack's face contemplatively, to which he huffed, averted his eyes, and balled his hands into fists at his sides.

Ensign Miller sat up in his seat expectantly.

"You know what? I _am_ hungry," Jack bit out, his unblinking eyes locked onto Rose and Smith. "I haven't eaten _all day_. I'm also exhausted and sore. I've been slapped, shot, and I broke my arm. _And all in the past four hours_," he said slowly, his voice shuddering with anger. "I think I'm entitled to being a _little bit upset_."

"Don't forget when you ran into a pole," Smith added.

"When were you slapped?" Rose asked at the same time.

"You two are missing my point," Jack sighed, twisting his hands painfully.

"You had a bad day. Just say you got up on the wrong side of the bed and be done with it," Smith shrugged.

"I didn't wake up on the wrong side of the bed! I woke up on the wrong side of the _universe_!" Jack yelled. "All because you can't drive your stupid spaceship properly and got us trapped in an alternate timeline!"

"Hey! Don't call the TARDIS stupid! She's the best ship around!" Smith snapped, jabbing his finger into Jack's face. He crossed his arms and pouted. "And give me a break. She was made to be driven by eight people, _at least_. You could have been helping me."

"Neither of us _know_ how to fly your spaceship!" Jack roared, his hands shaking by his sides.

"To be fair, neither do I, really," Smith acquiesced. "I failed the test."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" Jack growled darkly.

"Don't feel bad. I _still_ don't have my driver's licence," Rose consoled the Doctor, looking at Jack sideways with an exasperated expression.

"You have an ancient, somewhat sentient, physics defying spaceship that can _travel through time and space_, and you don't even know how to fly it!" Jack snarled, and threw his head back and laughed dryly, his hands clutching at his pants's pockets.

"I learn through trial and error," Smith argued, looking a bit down at Harkniss' rambunctious laughter.

"I've seen a lot of trial and a lot of errors but very little _learning_."

"Hey!" Smith cried, sounding somewhat offended.

"Didn't you immediately fly your spaceship into a sun when we first met?" Rose asked Jack defensively, crossing her arms and cocking an eyebrow.

"Ha! He did!"

"It had a bomb on board and you know it, blondie!" Jack snapped. "It was the heroic thing to do."

"Yeah. You're a real hero," Rose nodded, rolling her eyes.

"A hero who runs into poles," said Smith.

They laughed. Jack did not.

"That's it. I am done!" Jack said.

"Done? What do you mean, done?" Smith scoffed.

"I mean I am done. I'm not even going to try to escape anymore. I am accepting my inevitable demise," Jack said.

"Don't be so dramatic," said Smith, rolling his eyes.

"I am not being dramatic!" said Jack melodramatically. "If I don't die here, now, then I'm obviously going to die sometime very soon at the hands of the mainiac 900 year old alien and his equally insane nineteen year old human girlfriend while visiting, I don't know, Ancient Rome or something!"

"She not my-" the Doctor protested.  
"We're not dating."

"Yeah, what she said."

"_Sure you're not_," Jack said sarcastically, rolling his eyes and sitting down on the cot. He sighed, covered his face with the pillow, and fell silent.

* * *

"Well, this is a lot to take in," Jim Kirk said slowly, leaning back in his chair and rubbing the back of his neck. He waved at the new video Ensign Miller had sent and looked back at his First Officer, who was gazing at the video contemplatively.

"Indeed," said Spock, his eyes still fixed on the unmoving screen, his brain almost visibly turning its gears.

"And you weren't able to find _any_ sort of code?"

"Negative, Captain. It appears they were unaware they were being recorded."

"Just like the last video," Jim mused, drumming his fingers on his arm rest.

"It is fascinating, Captain. If what they are saying are true, then it appears these intruders are from an alternate universe. It is similar to ours, but with several variations."

"An alternate universe…" Jim sighed and stood up from his chair. "You know how much I love those…" his eyes swept across the screen again. "I suppose there's only one way to find out for sure."

"Captain?"

James spun around and clapped his hands together once. "I'm going to pay the brig a little visit. Contact me if you learn anything new."

"Of course, Captain."

The doors slid shut behind him.

The doors leading to the brig opened with ease, and James Kirk strode into the room. Ensign Miller was sitting at the nearby security screen, belly-laughing, his eyes scrunched up. His feet were up on the desk, his hands were clasped behind his head, and his position was relaxed and informal; a very un-Starfleet pose.

"Ensign Miller."

The ensign's head snapped up, his eyes went wide, and he took the earpiece out of his ear. He leapt to his feet so fast that his chair toppled over and assumed a military position, his back straight, his gaze attentive.

"Captain!"

Jim raised an eyebrow. "At ease. I'm just here to talk with the prisoners. Any changes on their status?"

Miller's eyes dropped to the screen, and a small smile bubbled onto his lips. "Uhh, well… not really. Nothing important, at least. Smith and Tyler are singing a duet of a song that I've never heard before, and Harkniss is in the corner covering his hands with his ears and screaming. He may be crying. I don't know."

Jim blinked and pursed his lips. "I see… You are dismissed from your duties until further notice, ensign. I'll take it from here."

"Aww, but it was just getting good!"

"I'm sorry?"

"I mean, yes sir! Right away, Captain!" Miller sprinted from the room in a flash of red, narrowly colliding with the wall as he turned the corner.

Jim refrained from rolling his eyes and walked up to the cell's doors, which slid open as he approached it. He raised his hand to a pad on the wall to take down the forcefield, but he froze in place.

He could hear the prisoners.

"ALL THE SINGLE LADIES! ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!" yelled Smith.

"Something something club! Just broke up! Doing my own thing!" sang Rose, off key and boisterous. "Something something love! Love! I cried tears! For three good years! You can't be mad at me!"

"Cause if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it! If you like it then you should put a ring on it!" Rose and Smith sang in horrendous unison.

"La la la! I can't hear you!" screamed Jack over the cacophony. He was, in fact, sitting in the corner, his face red and his hands trembling. He looked about ready to burst.

Jim raised his eyebrows. Smith and Rose were singing and dancing very… unique dance moves in the back of the cell, and Jack was continuing to scream from his corner nearest to the door, his hands pressed over his ears. Jim assumed this was to put as much distance between them as possible.

Jim pulled a seat up in front of their cell and crossed his arms, waiting for them to notice him.

"If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it! If you like it you shoulda put a…" Smith's voice trailed off as he noticed Jim. Jack's head snapped up too, his eyes rimmed red, eyeing Jim with suspicion.

Rose, however, did not notice that she was suddenly the only one singing, and continued blissfully as Jim, Smith, and Jack watched her. If what she was doing could be considered _singing_, however. Her voice was comparable to a barking seal.

"Woah oh oh ohhhh woah oh-oh oh! Woah oh ohhhh!"

"Rose," Smith whispered.

"Woah oh ohhh oh-oh! Hey hey hey, hey hey hey!"

"Rose."

"Woah ohh-"

"Rose!"

"What? Oh…" her eyes landed on Jim, and she blushed crimson in embarrassment.

"Don't let me stop you," Jim said, waving his hand. "Please, continue."

"No! Stop them!" Jack pleaded, kneeling in front of him. He shook his finger disapprovingly at the duo. "Do not continue! Do not!"

"Well. I guess _some people_ just can't appreciate art!" Rose sniffed, crossing her arms again.

"Well said," Smith agreed, and he crossed his arms as well.

They both gave Kirk mirrored pointed looks.

"So are you done?" Jim asked, his eyebrows raised and his lips tilted upwards in an amused expression.

"It would appear so," Smith muttered, kicking his feet at the ground. Jack smirked at his embarrassment.

"Good. We need to talk."

"At this point I don't care if you stuff me into an airlock and eject me into the cold heart of space!" Jack moaned, covering his eyes with his hands. "Just… just get me _away_ from these two."

"Okay, so we're not going to do that."

"Then can I at least get my own cell? You have more than one holding cell? Right?"

"You're stuck here, Jack," Jim said sternly.

Jack groaned and slid onto the floor, splaying his limbs like a starfish.

"But like I said. We need to talk," said Jim. He keyed in a code on a pad by the cell door, and the forcefield flicked off. He stepped inside and it closed behind him.

"Listen, _pal_," said Rose, who was trying and failing to sound tough. "We aren't telling you anything!"

"Yeah!" Smith agreed, giving his best impression of stoicism as well. Jack sighed from the other side of the room. He rolled over to face the wall.

"Tell me what?" Jim asked innocently. "Are you referring to the fact that you're stuck in an alternate timeline? Or that you're time travelers? Or that he's a 900 year old alien? Or are you not going to tell me about the TARDIS, the vessel in which you travel through time and space? The one Smith failed a drivers test for, I mean."

The room went dead silent.

"How-"

"Mind reader!" screamed Smith, pointing a finger accusingly at him. "He's reading our minds!"

"Get out of my head!" Rose screeched. She smacked her hands over her ears and squeezed her eyes shut.

"My mind is blank! You can't get in!" Smith yelled, his eyes squeezed shut as well. "My brain is empty!"

"That's the most believable thing you've said so far, Doctor," Jack sighed, sitting up and turning around. He watched with a bemused expression as Smith and Rose augmented each other's stupidity.

"Jack! Clear your brain! Mentally scream or something! He's reading our minds!" Rose hissed, her eyes shut. She was looking in the wrong direction to talk to him. Jack snorted.

He gave them another look before turning back to Kirk. "I was wondering whether or not the cell was bugged."

"Jack! Stop! He's gonna read your mind!"

"Was is just audio, or video too?"

"Jack!"

"Both," Jim shrugged.

"Jack! Stop talking to him!"

"You three have two options here," said Jim. "One, you can tell me who you are, where you came from, and what's happening, and we can try to help you, _or_ you can stay silent and you'll be given truth serum. I recommend you choose the former, as things will get very unpleasant for you should we have to do this the hard way."

"Truth serum? What's truth serum?" Smith asked, his face lighting up.

Jim raised an eyebrow. "You're kidding, right?"

Smith shrugged.

"It's a serum that makes you tell the truth," Jack deadpanned, giving Smith a look that conveyed the message: _seriously?_

"How do you know that?" asked Smith, backing up a step.

"_Common sense_."

Smith's head snapped back to Kirk, his eyes unnervingly as wide and crazed. "Does it? Is that what it does? Make you tell the truth?"

"Yes…"

"Fantastic!" Smith cheered, pumping a fist in the air. "How does it work? Does it only work on humans? Or aliens, too?"

"Um…"

"Does it make you tell the truth only about certain things? Or everything? Can you resist it or are you just rambling uncontrollably? Is it injected into your bloodstream? Does it affect your heartbeat at all?"

"I don't-"

"Does it make you tell the truth, or just let others know if your lying? That is _significantly_ less cool. Well? Does it?"

Jim rolled his eyes and slumped his shoulders. "It makes you tell the truth."

"Brilliant! Now, is it based in-"

Jim raised a hand, his jaw clenched. "Enough questions. Just pick. Are we going to do this the easy way, or the hard way?"

"Which option involves the truth serum again?"

"The hard way…"

"Oh, then we are _definitely_ doing it the hard way," Smith smiled, looking to Rose and Jack for validation, but they just looked at him as if he'd lost his mind.

"Seriously?" Jim asked incredulously. It was the first time that anyone they needed to interrogate actually _requested _the truth serum.

"Yeah! I want to see what this truth serum thing is!"

"There's no need for that! I'll talk," Jack volunteered, raising his hand and leaping to his feet. Smith gave him a glare, reached up, and yanked Jack's hand down.

"No, we're doing it the hard way!"

"Easy way."

"Hard way!"

Jack twisted Smith's arm, his face contorted in frustration. "We are _not_ doing this the hard way."

* * *

They did it the hard way.

Smith, however, preferred to refer to it as the 'fun' way.

Jim was starting to wonder if he should have Bones give the man a psychological examination.

"So how does it work exactly?" Smith asked enthusiastically. "Does it-"

"I don't know. I just know what it does, not how it works," Jim interrupted, rubbing his hands over his face.

"Okay. but can it-"

"Bones, please tell me you're almost finished," Kirk said hastily, looking at the ship's doctor with pleading eyes.

"Give me a minute," McCoy growled, preparing the vial of truth serum. He took the vial, measured its ingredients whilst looking at a PADD, and then placed the vial in a hypospray.

Kirk rocked on his feet, tapping his hands on his legs as Smith watched Doctor McCoy measure the ingredients. _When will all of this be over? This was supposed to be a simple medical drop, and now it has turned into… _Kirk's thoughts trailed off. _I don't even know what is happening anymore. All I know is that I want a full night's sleep for once. _

"Ready," said McCoy. He walked over Smith silently and pressed the hypospray into Smiths arm, causing him to jump a bit.

"Was that it? That was it, wasn't it?" Smith asked. His brow furrowed. "Huh. I was kinda expecting it to hurt."

"Now, Mr. Smith-" Jim started.

"Are you sure it's working?" Smith asked, cutting him off. "I didn't really feel anything. I don't think its working. Is it? Shouldn't my heartbeat be up or something? Because I feel fine."

Jim squeezed his eyes shut. "Yes, it is working."

"How do you know? Shouldn't you be checking my vitals? I'm really not sure that its working."

"Doctor McCoy is reading your vitals as we speak," Jim snapped. "Now, Mr. Smith-"

"It's _Doctor_, actually," he said smoothly. His eyes went wide and he gasped loudly. "It _is_ working! Did you hear that! I corrected you! I said my name's Doctor! I did it again! Ha! That's brilliant! Bloody brilliant!"

"Your name… is Doctor?" Jim said slowly, his eyebrows arching up.

"Yeah! The one and only! Wait till I tell Rose! Rose! Rose!" Doctor turned in his restraints quickly, his eyes frantically searching the mostly empty med bay. "Oh, she's not here. That's fine! I'll tell her later! Rose is brilliant. I like telling her things. It's nice having a friend to say things to. And then she says things back, which is nice. She's gonna be super excited. Either excited or concerned. Probably a mixture of both. Wait till I tell her about the science behind this! I just gotta figure it out first!"

"I'm sorry, your name is Doctor who?"

"I suppose you can call me that if you'd like. I don't mind," Doctor said, talking so fast his words slurred. "Though my name is Doctor."

Jim and Bones traded a look. Bones shrugged. Jim looked back at the prisoner. "Your name is _Doctor_?"

"Yes, we've been over this quite a few times. You seem a little slow. Oh wow, that was mean. I didn't mean to say that. Sorry. But I did mean it."

"That's… that's fine," Jim shook his head, perplexed. "But I do need to know if-"

"I mean, as slow as you are, you do seem to run a _very_ nice spaceship. In my opinion, that is. I have my own spaceship! She's called the TARDIS."

"Right. Why don't you tell us about this TAR-"

"And you must have gone through an _extensive_ amount of schooling to become a captain. That's very impressive. I'm . I barely got through my days at the Academy back on Gallifrey. It was horribly boring. Felt like rubbing a cheesegrater across my head. Yuck. It was horrible."

"Gallifrey? What's Galli-"

"Oh, don't tell me you've never heard of it? It was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. Well, I mean, wonderful is a strong word. Some of the people were…. well, never mind. It certainly was beautiful. Beautiful it was, yes. Do you guys have Gallifrey in your universe? Or is it destroyed here, too? Oh, wow. Okay. _That_ was a depressing thought. Yikes." Doctor made a face. Kirk realized his jaw was hanging open and shut it.

"_Our_ universe?"

"I much prefer Earth," the Doctor continued, ignoring Kirk. "Over any other planet, really. It's gorgeous. Just gorgeous. With your skies, and your seas, and your grass, and your oceans, and your television, and your cars, and your-"

"Sir-"

"-And your animals, and your phones, and your games, and your sports, and the olympics, and your art… and your police boxes! Oh, I like police boxes! My spaceship looks like one! They're not really around anymore, are they? Not in this time, at least. Unless your dimension kept police boxes?"

"_Sir-_"

"And your food is cool, and your books, and your trees, and your people! I like humans. Humans are cool! You're so resilient and you never give up and you-"

"Sir!" Jim yelled. Doctor snapped out of his ramble and looked up at the Captain, his eyebrows raised.

"Will you _please_ focus?" Jim hissed.

"Focus! Yes, I can focus! I'm good at focusing," Doctor insisted, nodding so hard some of his hair fell into his eyes. "Focus. Focus, focus, focus, focus…"

"Thank you. Now-"  
"Speaking of focusing, have you ever heard of the weeping angels? Now _those_ are creatures you _really_ got to focus on."

Jim threw his hands into the air. "This is why I hate truth serum!"

"This guy is completely bonkers," Bones muttered. A small smile encroached the corners of his mouth, however.

"I get that a lot, yeah," Doctor smiled.

"Bones, is there anything we can give him to keep his focus on one topic at a time?" Jim asked.

"Nope. That's how truth serum works. You know that," Bones grunted, his jaw clenched. He pounded his fist against his medical tricorder a couple times. "This thing must be on the fritz… it's picking up on two heartbeats."

"Oh, no, it's perfectly fine! I just have two hearts!" Doctor said, chipper.

Jim blinked. "What?"

"It works perfectly fine?" Doctor said, his brow furrowing. "I mean, is that really that surprising? Your entire ship has top of the line technology! I'd doubt that _anything_-"

"No, you idiot! He was talking about you saying you have two hearts," McCoy snapped, fishing a stethoscope out of a cabinet.

"Ohhh. That… yeah." Doctor nodded affirmingly. "I have two hearts."

"Yes. You said that. Would you please _elaborate_?" Jim asked slowly, hoping upon hope that the Doctor wouldn't ramble. Again.

"Oh, well, I'm not a human. _Obviously_. I'm a Time Lord! The last of my kind, actually. I'm all alone…" he said mournfully. "And, wow. Just wow. That got super dark again. And depressing. I'd like to stop saying dark and depressing things. They are making me sad."

"Okay…" Jim said, pursing his lips. "Why don't you tell us about this spaceship you have… The TARDIS?"

"Oh, she's beautiful. Travels through time and space. And she looks like a police box."

"You mentioned that. What else can you tell us-"

"She's the last of her kind. Like me. We were all that survived Gallifrey after the time war…" said Doctor. He paused for a minute, and his expression grew somber. "Okay. More sad thoughts. I thought I said I'd like to stop talking about these things."

"Fine. Fine!" Jim pinched the bridge of his nose. "Why don't you tell us about your friends, then?"

The Doctor's eyes lit up. "Rose? Rose? I like talking about Rose. I like talking to her too. She understands me. Rose is the best. She's the kindest person I've ever met. So sweet and compassionate to everyone she meets. She's just the best. I saved her life once, a long time ago. That's how we met! She's saved my life _many _times since then. There was this one time-"

"What about your other companion. Mr. Harkniss?"

"Oh. Jack." Doctor shrugged, his face neutral. "I dunno. He's cool, I guess. He's been a bit grouchy lately. He's probably just upset that we're stuck in this alternate universe, and since the TARDIS broke down and the only way we could fix her was to dress up in these costumes and steal- _I mean borrow_ \- the necessary equipment from your ship, he's been under quite a bit of pressure. But he says he works well under pressure. But I don't really believe him. And then there's the odd matter of him running into a pole? I mean, if you ask me-"

"I'm sorry, could you go back to the beginning?" Jim asked. Beside him, McCoy's mouth was agape, and his fingers frozen on the stethoscope gripped in his hands.

"The beginning?" Doctor said, sounding surprised. "Uh. I mean, I guess I could. How far back are we talking here? If I start at the very beginning I'm going to have to tell you about billions of years of planets forming and civilizations and alien life forms and-"

"No! The beginning of what we were just talking about," Jim sighed.

"Oh…." Doctor said, his brow furrowed. Suddenly his eyes lit up again. "Oh! You mean Rose? I can talk about Rose! I like-"

"No," Jim interjected. The Doctor pretended not to hear him, and droned on and on about Rose.

"He _does_ have two hearts," McCoy said, pressing the stethoscope against the Doctor's chest. Doctor didn't even react but kept rambling on about Rose enthusiastically.

"Now is _not_ the time, Bones."

"And look at his cells!" McCoy exclaimed, staring at the readings on his tricorder. "They're in a constant state of rapid cellular regeneration."

"I don't know what that means," Jim sighed, rubbing his temples.

With the Doctor rambling on about his companion and Bones spouting out scientific facts that made no sense, he was more than relieved when the communicator on his belt suddenly chirped.

He smiled in relief and flipped open his communicator.

"This is Kirk."

"Captain," said Spock in his even, low voice. "the Klingons are here."


	9. Hostages and Big Blue Boxes

"Report, Mr. Spock," said Jim, striding onto the Bridge. His eyes snapped up to the viewscreen, where a long, greenish ship hung in the air ominously.

"The Klingons' cloak just went down moments ago," Spock replied, walking from the engineering section to the science station. He peered into the device that showed the sensor readings. "Their ship is located approximately 678 kilometers from the Enterprise. A rough estimate, of course."

"Of course," Jim agreed. He sat down in his chair and sighed, glaring at the ship and tapping his fingers on the armrest. "Do we know what they want? Have they made any threats? Demands? Have they contacted us whatsoever?"

"Negative, Captain. They're just sitting there."

Jim nodded, his brow furrowing. "They're waiting. But for what?"

"I'm afraid I do not know, Captain. Perhaps-"

"I'm terribly sorry, but, um… what's going on?" Smith—or as he's otherwise known, the Doctor—interjected. All the heads on the Bridge swiveled toward him and his group. Chekov from navigation and Uhura from communications immediately frowned, their faces darkening to looks of annoyance and irritation.

"Not right now," Jim said curtly, holding up a finger, not taking his eyes off the screen.

"But-"

"_Not right now_,"

"But-"

"Ens-... _Doctor_, if you do not cease talking right now, I shall have you removed from my bridge."

"_Told you_," Jack muttered, punching Doctor in the arm and glaring at him venomously. Smith just glared back and rubbed his arm.

"Oh will you just-" Doctor started to protest.

"Captain! Incoming message," said Uhura, her voice loud and slightly tinged with annoyance. Doctor shut his mouth and pursed his lips, choosing not to voice his thought.

Jim stiffened in his chair. "Play it."

The large ship on the screen was quickly replaced by a tall, sharp-toothed Klingon general, staring menacingly into the bridge. Two other Klingon warriors stood next to him, restraining and holding a large disruptor to the head of a woman. She was obviously an inhabitant of Centauria III, her smooth, scaly skin and wide-set eyes contrasting with the Klingon's rough cranial ridges and large noses. She was tall and lanky, had a long, boxy face, and her mouth was wide and stretched in fright.

The entire bridge crew stiffened.

"USS. Enterprise. Captain Kirk," the Klingon warrior said in a low, gravelly voice, inclining his head slightly. "My name is K'vok, General of the Klingon empire. Greetings."

Kirk grit his teeth and his eyes narrowed as K'vok waited for a response. Several seconds went by as Jim Kirk stared him down, hatred behind his eyes.

Seeing as he would get no response from the Captain, the general cleared his throat and continued. "As you can see here, Miss Yyn-Tarvæna, a respected diplomat from the surface of Centuria III, is currently a…" he smiled and gestured at the helpless woman, "_Guest… _of the Klingon Empire. We wish for her stay with us to remain as comfortable as possible. I certainly hope you wont make that too _difficult_ for us."

K'vok twitched his hand slightly and the two soldiers tightened their grip on her arms, pressing another disruptor into her side for emphasis. Yyn-Tarvæna gasped and tried to flinch away from the weapons, but the warriors held her still.

Kirk's eyes desperately flickered from the general, to the captive, to the disruptors, then back at the general.

_A hostage situation_, Jim thought darkly, pursing his dry lips. _One wrong move and it's all over. The murder of a citizen of a Starfleet registered and protected planet is enough to start a war. We have to tread carefully._

Jim sat up straighter, his eyes locked on the Klingons decisively. "We d-"

"I'm sorry, what's happening?" Rose called from the back, interrupting the tense situation.

Jack groaned and looked like he wanted to punch his female partner as well. "_Don't interrupt._"

"She doesn't look like she's a guest at all!" Doctor said incredulously, gesturing vigorously at the woman with his hands. Rose nodded like she agreed.

Jim turned around in his chair and snapped, "I highly suggest you three-"

"Don't group me with them! Whatever they do I'm not a part of it!" Jack said defensively, taking a large step away from Rose and Smith.

The Klingon general, now looking a bit put-off, tried to speak again, only to be cut off by the Doctor.

"I think she's been kidnapped! She's a hostage!"

"What?" Rose said, her eyebrows shooting up. She turned to the captain, and then glanced at the screen. "Is that what's going on? Is she a hostage? Did you take her hostage?!"

The Klingon blinked. "Yes… that is what we were implying."

Jim glowered at them. "You three really need to-"

"Well that's just cruel! And hateful!" Rose protested shrilly.

"Not to mention barbaric," the Doctor added. Jack looked like he wanted to disappear. He took another step away from them.

Rose turned to Jim, hands on her hips. "Why aren't you saving her then?"  
Jim clenched his hands. "We are trying to negotiate-"

"Don't negotiate! If you negotiate she'll die!" Rose cried, aghast. "Get your weapons, barge in there, and rescue her! You have the magic teleporter things! And your laser guns! It can't be _that _hard!"

"Is that a threat?" the Klingon asked, evidently confused.

"No!" Jim said quickly. He shot Rose a death glare that made her falter a bit before rapidly turning back to the general. "No! No! Of course not! Not at all!"

"I suggest you learn to control your subordinates, Captain," K'vok growled, his eyes narrowing. He focused on Rose, and she gulped.

Jim stiffened again, giving K'vok his full attention. "We don't intend any harm. Perhaps-"

"You humans never do. But you inflict it all the same," he said, a mocking smile dancing on his lips.

Jim frowned, keeping his composure. His blood was boiling. "I highly doubt that-"

"That's not a very nice thing to say about humans!" Doctor said, frowning.

"Yeah!" Rose piped in.

"_No. Don't… don't do that,_" Jack tried to say, but realized it was futile and sighed and sank to the floor, putting his head in his hands.

"I think humans are rather nice," Doctor argued, staring at the Klingon defiantly.

"It's true! We are!" Rose beamed. "Well, for the most part, I mean."

"_You_, on the other hand," said Doctor, raising an eyebrow at K'vok, "do _not_ seem nice."

"You dare insult me?!" K'vok roared, his patience spent. "While I have a hostage?"

"She _is_ a hostage! He called it." Rose shouted triumphantly, pointing at Doctor.

"It's true. I did. I mean I- ow!"

Jack had punched his foot from the floor.

"_The next person who speaks who isn't me or the general is getting shoved into an airlock!_" Jim hissed. He turned to the angered Klingon once more. "My sincerest apologies, General. I assure you that we mean no-"

"I have never seen a ship or a crew more mismanaged than yours, Kirk," K'vok spat. "You have an hour. Leave Centuria III, do not return, and we shall release the diplomat. If we see you have not left when the hour is up, she dies. _Slowly._"

The transmission ended. The screen went black.

The bridge was dead silent.

"What is _wrong_ with you?" Kirk stuttered, craning his head around to look at the three dissidents. Jack stood up. He turned his chair so hard around that he smashed his knee into the rail behind him, but he ignored it. He scrambled out of his chair and stood in front of them, his mouth agape and his mind running in circles like an empty record.

"Um, okay. Yeah. I'll be the first to admit, that could have gone better," Doctor said reluctantly.

"That's an understatement," Jack muttered, rolling his eyes hard and taking another step away from his companions, so far away now that he was closer to Uhura at the communications desk then he was to Rose and the Doctor.

"I thought it went fine," Rose said at the same time and genuinely looked like she meant it.

"But in my defense," Doctor said quickly, "you didn't tell us what was going on. So I had to ask. I wouldn't have had to ask if you had just told me what was going on, because I didn't know what was going on, so I had to ask. Because I didn't know. And I needed to know. So I asked. You see-"

Kirk spluttered. He opened his mouth and moved his arms around violently. He stopped a moment, closed his mouth, pursed his lips, moved his arms around again, and opened his mouth again, which he shut once more. He whirled to face the other direction, gave a loud guttural growl of frustration and disappeared into his ready room.

A moment of shocked silence fell on the room.

"Enough," Uhura said to Doctor, seeing that his mouth was open.

"But-"

"_Enough_. No more from you," said Uhura levelly. She pointed her finger in his face. "I have had just about enough from _all of you_."

"What did I do?" Jack whined.

"You hit on her," Sulu piped up. "That's a big no-no here."

"You did what?" Rose asked incredulously.

"I- uh, I- um..." Jack's face grew beet red. "I did not…"

"I can confirm that you did," said Spock. "And then Lieutenant Uhura retaliated by striking you across your face. It was very well deserved, in my opinion."

"What?" Rose said, her eyebrows raising and her mouth twitching. "_That's_ how you got that bruise?"  
"She's a very attractive pole," Doctor commented.

"I said enough!" Uhura snapped. Everyone went silent. "First, you snuck aboard _our _ship. Illegally, I might add. Second-"  
"Hang on, now, We didn't-"

"No. I am talking. You are not talking. Understand?" she growled lowly, stepping forward so her finger was just a centimeter from his nose.

"I-"

"Don't answer. Shut your mouth, and nod if you understand. Good? Good," she said evenly, dangerously, her eyes unblinking. "Second, you impersonated members of our crew. Third, you _stole_ from us. Fourth, you completely botched a simple medical drop. You have constantly not only disrespected our ship and our crew, but our _captain_."

After looking around at the three's astonished faces, she continued. "And now, you intervened during a _hostage situation_. Do you have an idea how serious this is?"

"Well, it's not really-"

"I said no talking."

"But you just asked me-"

"You and your colleagues have broken more laws than I have bothered to keep track of! Lives could have been lost because of your foolishness! And now that hostage might lose her life too! Do you have any idea how dangerous an angered Klingon is? Do you?" Uhura fumed, curling back her lip to reveal white teeth. "Her blood will be on your hands. Do you have any idea what that's like? To be responsible for a life? _To be responsible for someone dying?_"

Doctor's face grew dark and his jaw clenched. He stayed silent, however.

"So," she said, her tone almost sing-song-like. She removed her finger from the Doctor's face. "You broke our laws. You disrespected us. And now you may be responsible for someone's death," Uhura said hotly. "Am I missing anything?"

Rose looked thoughtful. "I mean, probably, yeah. We also-"

"Nope! That's all!" Jack intervened, clapping his hand over her mouth. "You got everything! Great job!"

"Good," Uhura finished. She quietly walked over and sat back at her station.

The entire room was quiet.

The silence was broken by loud clapping from the navigation table. "Yay, Uhuwra! You go! Deztrwoy zem!"

"Yes," Kirk said slowly, emerging from his ready room. "Thank you, Uhura. And, uh, that's enough cheering, Chekov."

Kirk turned to the three. "Unfortunately, we have bigger problems to deal with now then punishing you. We'll have to put our differences aside for the time being."

"But Captain, they-"

"Thank you for your concern, Uhura. Your complaints are duly noted. But they can wait." Jim crossed his arms and stepped closer to the screen. "We need to deal with these Klingons; rescue the hostage. Perhaps we could beam unto the ship. Mr. Spock?"

"Negative, Captain," Spock responded. "Their shields are fully functional. Any attempt to teleport would not be successful. Similarly, the Klingons would no doubt terminate any attempt to go by shuttlecraft."

"So we're stuck here?"

"It would appear so, Captain."

"Perhaps-"

"If I may-" spoke Doctor.

The bridge crew groaned and muttered collectively.

"No!" Uhura said.

"You don't get to talk," Kirk said, rubbing at his temples.

"But I think I have something that could help."

"I don't zink anybody 'ere wants your elp!" Chekov spat.

"Agreed," Sulu nodded.

"But-"

"Quiet!" Chekov, Sulu, and Uhura shouted at once.

"Wait. He might have a point," Jack said slowly. A few people shot him wary looks but didn't object to him speaking. Jack and the Doctor traded a look.

"The TARDIS?" Jack asked slowly.

"One and only." said Doctor.

"You can fix her in time?"

"She's already fixed. She only needed an hour after to sit after I fixed her," Doctor shrugged. "There weren't any clocks in the brig, but I think it's safe to say an hour has passed."

"You're finally saying something that's not completely stupid."

"Thank y- hey!"

"What are you talking about?" Jim sighed, exhaustion showing in his face.

"Ladies and gentlemen," said Jack, grinning proudly and turning to face the Enterprise crew, "I think we have a solution to your problem."

Jim traded doubtful glances with the others before looking back at Jack skeptically. "And what would that be?"

* * *

The Doctor slid the key into the TARDIS' wooden blue door, twisted it, and opened it. He stepped inside the blue box, a wide grin upon his features. Jim Kirk's mouth fell open. He remembered from earlier when all of the engineering crew were unable to force it open. _This man was able to unlock that impenetrable box with just a key? _

"Home sweet home!" Doctor smiled and vanished inside the telephone box.

After a moment's hesitation, Kirk stepped into the box after him.

Kirk stepped out of the box.

He looked around the box. He looked back inside it.

He cautiously stepped inside and looked around, eyes wide, and stepped backwards so he was outside of it again. He tapped the side of the box and looked surprised to find it solid.

The small blue box was about the size of a turbolift, but when he entered it, it was the size of the entire Bridge. A glowing control center stood in the middle, and tree-like branches decorated the outside edge of the circular room. The machines blipped and chirped just as they did in the Enterprise. On the outside of the box, it was blue and wooden and seemingly ordinary.

His mouth hung open.

"What the-"


	10. The Klingon Dilemma Part 1

**Hello reader! We thought we would give you a bit of a warning that the next chapter, part two of this chapter, will be the last chapter of this fanfiction (not including the epilogue, of course). Thank you so much for reading our fanfiction! Please, leave a comment if you wish; we love to read them! Thank you!**

* * *

The Enterprise crew, consisting of Doctor McCoy, Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock, Scotty, and Chekov stood as close to the edge of the TARDIS' walls as possible, jumping whenever the ship shook. Chekov was standing so uncomfortably that it looked as if he were about to have a brain aneurysm, Kirk looked inexplicably confused, and McCoy looked about nervously as if he expected the ceiling to cave in on their heads. Spock looked as unimpressed as usual and Scotty was looking to the control system in the center with an expression of absolute fascination.

The control system was a hub of mass chaos.

It was shaped like a large cylinder with a clear glass tube near the top, pulsing a soft blue. The controls were switches and knobs and buttons of steel, and some were held together with duct tape and luck. The controls hissed and spat and burped out rolling carpets of white smoke. The TARDIS lurched back and forth as the Doctor flew from dial to knob to lever, sometimes hitting a button with his hands and another with his feet at the same time. Rose stood to the side, pulling a few levers here and there when Doctor pointed to it when he was on the opposite of the controls. Upon looking over at the Enterprise crew, he snickered. They looked so uncomfortable and bewildered; it was amusing.

"Spock… what is… what?" Kirk sputtered from one corner, turning to his First Officer.

"I am not exactly sure, Captain, as this ship appears to be running on a theoretical power source that has never been successful before. It has taken advantage of quantum pockets, which were seemingly proved impossible thirty years ago. Its operation center is evidently intended for the use of at least ten people, but our host seems to be doing all its functions by himself. There are some things that I am not sure of, however. Many of these machines appear to be violating the known laws of physics. I am, too, at a loss." replied Spock.

The Doctor popped out from behind the controls. "I prefer timey-wimey wibbly-wobbly stuff."

"To put it bluntly," said Rose, also appearing, "it's bigger on the inside."

"Vhat?" Chekov said, his face a mixture of fear and confusion.

"In a single word you somehow summed up my entire experience with the Doctor," Jack sighed. He leaned against one of the tree structures and stared into empty space.

"I don't think that man has _ever_ been to medical school," McCoy said, his lip curling. Doctor looked up from the controls to beam at him unabashingly.

"He's not that kind of Doctor," said Rose, rolling her eyes as she pulled another lever. She backed up as the Doctor reached across her to push a large button.

"Really. You don't say," McCoy deadpanned, crossing his arms. An emergency medkit was in one of his hands.

"If 'e iznt a medical doctor, zhen vhat kind ov' doctor iz 'e?" Chekov asked bitterly, stepping a foot away from the wall. Just at that moment, the TARDIS lurched again, and he lost his balance and hit the floor.

"Just the Doctor," Doctor said, his voice a bit muffled as he drove the ship. "That's all."

"That's all," McCoy drawled, his eyes unblinking and his lips a hard white line.

"I don't think so," Scotty shook his head at the Doctor. "You can call a ballet dancer a mathematician and give 'im a hard hat and a wrench, but I wouldn't trust 'im to cook a five course meal. Not even a wee bit. Aye?"

"Aye," Chekov said, nodding sagely.

The group was silent for a moment. Even the Doctor stopped jumping around the controls to look at the Scott in confusion.

"_What_?" Jack asked.

"Doctor, is the universal translator broken?" asked Rose, her nose wrinkling.

"Nah," said Doctor, already turning back to hit a few more buttons on the controls.

"I'm surrounded by crazy people," Jack muttered, closing his eyes and sinking down to the floor.

"All Meester Scott vas saying vas zhat you can't let an actor be your fwirefighter, or your 'ouse vill burn down. Eh?" said Chekov. He and Scotty traded wide grins.

"Aye. Right indeed, laddie," Scotty agreed.

Jack blinked up from the floor. "Wha-"

"Can we please focus?" said Kirk. Everyone's eyes turned to him. "We have an hour. _Less than_ an hour. Mister Doctor-"

"Just Doctor is fine."

"Fine. Doctor. Can your ship get us to Klingon ship or not?"

"Sure," Doctor shrugged. "As long as you have the coordinates."

"Of course. Mr. Chekov?"

"Yes?" Chekov said darkly, rubbing his knee where he hit it against the floor.

"Go aid Doctor here with the coordinates, will you?"

Chekov scowled and slunk over to where the Doctor was working, muttering some choice words in Russian under his breath.

"Great, thank you!" Doctor said cheerfully, peering over the angry young man's shoulder as he brought up the ship's coordinates on a PADD.

"Jim," McCoy muttered not-so-quietly, "how do we know we can trust these people?

"Hmm?"

"They're criminals. Blondie over there _stole _from _my_ medbay."

"Technically it's _my_ medbay," Kirk murmured back. McCoy gave him a glare that caused most to want to flee for the hills. Unfortunately for him, Jim was not an exception.

"_My point is_," McCoy hissed, "is that we know basically nothing about these people. Hostage situations like this can be grounds for war. _War._ How do we know it's going to work?"

"It's going to work," Kirk said, loudly and confidently, drawing a few pairs of eyes.

McCoy raised his eyebrows. "Really?"

"It'll work or my name isn't Captain James Tiberius Kirk. And I-"

"Captain Jack Harkniss sounds better," Jack blurted. Everyone turned to stare at him.

"You wanted to say that this _entire_ time. Didn't you?" said Rose.

"Since I discovered his name," Jack admitted quietly. The others continued to stare at him.

"It was _really_ eating you up inside, huh?" Rose said sarcastically.

"Yeah. You gotta agree that-"

"Can we focus? _Please?_" said Kirk, frustration seeping into his voice.

"Couldn't agree more!" Doctor grinned. He again clapped Chekov lovingly on the shoulder, who was looking downright murderous. A loud, ringing alarm suddenly went off and Doctor's hands flew back up to pull more levers and pulleys, his foot smacking a switch or two. "I could use a hand, however…" he grunted.

"We'd be more than willing to hel-"

"Great! Captain, pull that green lever nearest to you in fourteen seconds precisely. McCoy, come over here and hold this button. Everyone else, hold on!"

Jim hesitantly rested a hand near the lever. McCoy, however, did not move. He crossed his arms and scowled.

"Doctor McCoy, could you-"

"No," McCoy growled.

"Bones."

"I'm not going to."

"Leonard!"

"Dang it, Jim! I'm a Doctor, not a… a… freaky spaceship, button pushing… guy!"

"You really had to think about that one, huh?" grumbled Rose, from where she too was helping out; pressing a button and twisting a dial every few seconds.

Bones face grew red. "I swear I will-"

"You have three seconds to press that button before we crash," Doctor sang, leaping from lever to lever so fast that the ground trembled under his feet.

"I'm not gonna-"

"Doctor McCoy!" Jim snapped.

"Fine!" McCoy threw his hands violently in the air before marching over and slamming his hand onto the button. The alarm quieted.

"Thank you," Doctor grinned. "Now, Captain-"

"I'm the Captain," Jack protested, kicking his feet listlessly on the floor. He went ignored, as per the usual.

"Will you please pull that lever in four, three, two… one."

Jim jerked the lever back, and at the same time Doctor twisted a dial. The TARDIS gave an enormous lurch to one side, nearly knocking everyone off their feet.

Then it was still.

The quiet was almost eerie.

"See, that wasn't so hard, was it?" Doctor said cheerfully.

Every member of the Enterprise crew looked disgruntled and discombobulated, except for Spock, and Scotty, who looked at the TARDIS, fascinated.

"So now we're… where, exactly?" Jim said hesitantly.

"The Klingon ship, of course," Doctor shrugged, as if it was the most evident thing in the world. "Obviously."

"Obviously," Rose nodded.

"It's… really… not obvious," Jack sighed, rubbing the back of his bruised head. "But, whatever."

"There's no way-"

"Itz true, Keptin!" Chekov said, wide eyed. He was peering at one of the many screens of the TARDIS displaying multiple numbers. "Ve' are on zee ship! Eez _impossible_!"

"Oh, nothing is impossible if you have a little imagination!" Doctor said, shrugging on his long, brown coat over his red Starfleet uniform. "Allons-Y!"

He turned back to show off his new outfit. Kirk looked at him with a gaze of utter horror, his eyes flicking from the bright red of the uniform to the dark brown overcoat, which was so long that it reached near to his ankles. It contrasted horribly. Everyone else was looking past the Doctor in awe that they had reached the ship, but all Kirk seemed able to focus on was the horrible fashion statement Doctor seemed to be making. The Doctor wasn't put off by it though, he smiled, waggled his eyebrows at Kirk, and turned around.

He threw open the double doors and hopped out. Everyone stood, puzzled, for a second or two. Except for Rose, of course, who had immediately followed the Doctor, and Jack, who had begrudgingly slunk along with a dramatic groan. Cautiously, the rest stepped out into the Klingon ship.

"One minute, Doctor," said Kirk. Doctor looked up cheerfully from where he was messing with a door panel with Klingon characters etched onto them.

"Yes?"

"We appreciate your help in transportation, but we'll take it from here. You and your friends are to wait in the TARDIS until we return."

"No fair!" said Rose, stamping her foot on the ground.

"Not happening," Jack muttered sourly at the same time.

"Nah," said the Doctor—shrugging as if shrugging off Kirk's command—and turning back to the panel.

Kirk blinked, caught off guard. "Your assistance is no longer necessary."

"Sure it is!" said Doctor.

"These people are _lunatics_," McCoy muttered. His hand clenched around the emergency medkit he carried.

Kirk huffed. "You are unarmed-"

"We're helping. End of discussion. Period. Full stop," said Doctor, still fiddling with the Klingon door panel. There was a quiet click and the door slid open. Doctor waved around, a small metal stick with a glowing end in his hand. "Sonic screwdriver, I do love you."

And then he ran down the hall, stopping to look at a display panel a couple of feet away.

McCoy scowled again, louder this time. '_Sonic screwdriver?_' he mouthed.

Jim exhaled sharply and stormed after the Doctor. He grabbed his arm and spun him around.

"You want to help? _Fine._ But _I_ am the captain. This is _my_ operation. So you listen to _me_. Understood?"

"Sure," Doctor agreed, still studying the display screen.

"So we won't have a problem?" Jim asked.

"Problem? No problem. No problems here. Nope," Doctor said distractedly.

"Good." Jim turned back to the rest of the group. "This is a delicate operation. If you see anything, hear anything, do something, I am the first to know. No one does anything without consulting me first. If you-"

"What if we don't have time?" Doctor asked, wrinkling his nose. "To consult you, I mean. What are we supposed to do then?"

"I-"

"Yeah, like, what if one of those big bad guys with the weird foreheads are holding us at gunpoint? And we have to make a split-second decision, and we can't ask you what to do? Do you expect us to just stand there and get shot?" Rose asked, frowning. "Or what if one of us get captured, and they're listening to our conversations, and they, like, give us a script to read from to try to trick you, and if we say anything other than what they tell us too then they'll kill all of us? What do you want us to do then?"

"If you do what I say that's not going to hap-"

"I am seeing a lot of loopholes," Jack interjected.

Jim threw his hands into the air. "You just said you weren't going to be a problem!"

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound like something I would say," Doctor said, his brow crinkling as he touched the display screen and a map of the ship came up.

"We weren't being a problem," murmured Rose at the same time.

Kirk took a deep breath, before turning back to everyone else. "Those of you who have phasers, keep them out and set to stun," he said slowly. "Stay silent. That means _no talking_," he added, glaring at the TARDIS crew.

"But how-"

"I'll lead," Jim said, cutting the Doctor off. "Everyone else, follow slowly. Keep an eye out."

* * *

The whole ragtag crew set off down the hall. Kirk was in the front, light on his toes and silent, his phaser in his hand. Every time the hallway passed another corridor, he turned the phaser that direction to ensure no one was lurking in the corners. Spock followed closely behind, his hands clasped tightly behind his back. Behind Spock, Doctor and Scotty were having a rather loud conversation about TARDIS and Enterprise mechanics. Behind them, Rose and Jack were having a pleasant conversation about how much fun they were having. At least, Rose was talking about it. Jack stayed silent for most of it and looked dead inside. Behind the two, Chekov was fuming. Every time one of the conversations in front of him grew louder than he desired, he bit out a few curses in Russian. Next to him, Doctor McCoy's grip on his medkit was so tight his hands were turning snow white.

"Alright," said Kirk, peering around another corner. There were four separate paths. "We need to split up. Keep your communicators."

"I don't think that's a good idea," said Jack, taking advantage of the diversion to break off the conversation he was having with Rose.

"I don't care," Jim said sharply, craning his neck around the first corner.

"He's got a point. Have you _seen_ a horror movie?" said Rose. The Doctor shook his head '_no' _next to her, as if she was asking him.

"Spock, you're with me," said Kirk, ignoring them. "McCoy, you'll go with Mr. Harkniss, Scotty with Miss Tyler, and Chekov with Doctor."

"You can't be serious," McCoy said dryly, eyeing Jack with distaste. His grip on his medkit tightened so hard his knuckles cracked.

"Hey!" said Jack.

"I _am_ serious," Jim said slowly. "These three don't have phasers, nor do they have any means to defend themselves. The rest of you do. It's the only way to assure we all stay safe as possible."

"I don't really care if '_e_ stayz zafe," Chekov hissed, jerking his thumb at the Doctor.

Doctor, still smiling widely, waved around his small metal-wand-thing. "I have my sonic screwdriver!" he exclaimed proudly.

"I don't know nor do I care what that is," Kirk said. Doctor frowned. "Spock and I will go through the first corridor, Scotty and Tyler through the second, Doctor and Chekov through the third, and McCoy and Harkniss through the last one. Understand? Good. Keep your communicators on. Walk for five minutes, then report to me."

They dispersed begrudgingly.

Chekov was most displeased to be paired with the Doctor.

With a cheerful wave, Doctor started to walk down their corridor. After a moment's pause, Chekov joined him, taking out his tricorder from his belt to scan the area. Doctor looked over his shoulder to look curiously at the device as it collected data. Chekov huffed and turned from the Doctor's interested gaze.

They walked for a while before the tricorder began picking up lifesigns in front of them. Chekov showed Doctor the tricorder's display screen.

"_Two Kwlingons. Dead ahead." _he whispered. The Klingons were standing vigilantly next to a closed doorway, disruptors in hand. _What could they be guarding? _Chekov thought, his brow crinkling.

"Zee hostage!" Chekov realized, his eyes going wide. Doctor peered over his shoulder at the Klingons beyond.

"Alright! Let's go get her." Doctor began walking confidently toward them.

Chekov caught his sleeve. "I have to call zee Keptin."

"No… he's all the way on the other side of the ship," Doctor said slowly, scrunching his nose. "It would take too long. They might move her before they get here. We have to move now."

"'E iz not zhat far away. I vill call-"

"No, no, no," Doctor insisted, smiling wide. "Trust me." He stood and straightened his long brown coat.

Chekov scowled. "Vhat are you-"

"Just follow my lead." Doctor winked. "I got this."


	11. The Klingon Dilemma Part 2

**Hello fellow nerds. We are aware that we told you last update that this would be our last addition to the fanfiction apart from the epilogue. Sike! Never trust a writer. We will have a part three coming soon, as this is part two. Have a fantastic day. We will still have an epilogue. Do not worry. Thank you for reading!**

**-I am very, very sorry (IdenticalSnowflakes)**

**-I am not. (LogicalVulcan)**

* * *

"Hello gentlemen!" sang the Doctor, jumping out of the corner. The Kllingons swiveled to face him, raising their disruptors. The Doctor grinned and seized Chekov's wrists, yanking him out of his hiding spot. "My companion and I are here to assist with the hostage situation!"

"Halt!" said the Klingon on the left, leveling his disruptor at the Doctor's chest.

The Doctor did not halt.

"We got sent here to help by… the boss… and he or she wants us to… to, um… _assist_ in the hostage thingy. So!" Doctor smiled unconvincingly. "How can we help?"  
"I am not with 'im!" Chekov said loudly, trying to scramble away. The Doctor gripped his wrist tighter as the young man tried to sprint away. His feet moved, but he had no traction on the slick floor. He ran as if he were on a treadmill. He cursed and tried to bite the Doctor. The Doctor smacked the top of his shaggy head as if he were a bad dog and turned back to the Klingons expectantly.

The Klingons blinked and their brows furrowed. "What is happening?"

"We're here to help? With the hostage?" Doctor clarified, speaking slower as if the Klingons were of a lower intelligence. "I mean, you've both been working so hard, upper management thought you could use a break! We're here to take over."

"Upper management?" said one, glancing at the other with a significant look.

"You are wearing a Starfleet uniform," said the other bluntly.

"These? No, no, no, no, no, no! These are my pajamas," Doctor said, nodding and looking down at his blood-red uniform, the Starfleet insignia a noticeable yellow next to the bright color. He pursed his lips and cleared his throat. "So! We'll just take her off your hands and-"

The Doctor took a step forward—dragging a protesting Chekov behind him—only to be stopped by both disruptors pressed directly against his skull.

"Freeze!"

"You're a Starfleet officer!"

"Me? Starfleet? Me? You think I'm with Starfleet? Me? Really?" the Doctor said, frozen, his voice getting higher pitched with each word. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no."

"Are we going to die?" asked the hostage suddenly. She was only a few centimeters away from the force-field at the entrance of her cell, her long, boxy face was pulled into an expression that appeared to be a combination of curiosity and panic.

"Pwrobably," Chekov sighed, his arms going limp as he gave up trying to escape.

"If you'll just look right here," Doctor said, producing his psychic paper and waving it in front of their noses, accidentally hitting a disruptor in the process, "you'll see that everything in order. I'm one of you!"

"No, you're not," a Klingon grunted. He pressed the disruptor harder to his head.

"But the papers say-" started the other. His grip on his disruptor loosened.

"Don't be an imbecile. _Look at him_," the Klingon hissed to his partner. "He's wearing a Starfleet uniform!"

"Oh. But what if-"

"And he's obviously _human_."

"Oh, I see. So he's-"

"Actually I'm a Time Lord," interrupted the Doctor. "I mean, not that there's anything wrong with humans. I'm just-"

One of the Klingons whipped around and sucker punched the Doctor in the face. He fell to the floor, out cold. His physic paper fell by his hand, and his eyelids only half closed, giving him a possessed look.

"You killed 'im!" Chekov squealed, leaping backwards in disgust.

"He's not dead," grunted the Klingon, kicking the Doctor with his foot and frowning.

"Oh," said Chekov, his shoulders sagging. He sounded rather disappointed.

"_You_, on the other hand, _are_."

"_Oh_," said Checkov, his eyes widening. "Cwrap."

There was a quiet click as the Klingons began to pull the triggers on their disruptors. His eyes went wider and he took a small step back. "Uh… maybe ve can talk about zis? Becauze I 'ad nothzing to do vith 'im. I feel like I should clarify! I 'ad nothzing to do vith 'im! 'E iz an idiot!"

There was a resounding _crack_ as the hostage—who had somehow freed herself during the commotion—swung a pipe torn from the wall and hit it against a Klingon's skull, sending him sprawling unconscious to the floor. The other Klingon jerked around and raised his disruptor. His back was towards Ensign Chekov. Chekov used that opportunity to throw his weight into the guard. He then hit him across the face and sent him falling gracelessly towards the ground to join his companion.

"Thanks," Chekov said breathlessly, smiling a bit at the hostage.

"No problem," she shrugged, tossing the pipe aside.

At that moment the Doctor began to stir.

"Oh. _You_," Chekov scowled.

"_What did I miss?_" Doctor asked, his words slurred together. He leaned on his elbows.

"Nothzing much. Nothzing impowrtant," Chekov deadpanned. "You know, except for zee fact zat I got zee 'ostage, defeated zee Klingons, and zat I'm going to keel you! But bezides zat, nothzing much."

"Oh, you got the hostage. Good," Doctor nodded, ignoring Chekov's threat. He squinted at Chekov. "Do you happen to have a twin by any chance?"

"No… vhy?"

"Because I'm seeing two of you. No, three! Oh, its two again. Can you stop moving please?"

"I… I am not moving…"

"Oh." Doctor frowned. "Am I moving?"

"I do not get paid enough fowr zis," Chekov sighed quietly.

"Please stop the floor from moving, I'd like to get off."

"Alwright. Up you go," grunted Chekov, hoisting the Doctor to his feet.

'Is he okay?" asked the hostage.

"'im? Oh, 'e's _fine_," Chekov shrugged. The Doctor was not fine, evidently shown as he began to sing 'Single Ladies' under his breath and giggling blissfully.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Chekov!" came a voice. Chekov whirled around, phaser in his hand. Doctor McCoy stood down the hall, looking as angry as ever. Jack stood behind him, looking mildly impressed at the Klingons unconscious on the floor.

"Hello, doctor," Chekov smiled, lowering his phaser.

"Hmm?" said Doctor sluggishly. The others ignored him.

"What in tarnation is going on here?!" said McCoy, gesturing at the Klingons on the ground.

"I fwreed the hostage," Chekov pointed behind him. Yyn-Tarvæna nodded respectfully and smiled. McCoy and Harkniss looked at her as if they hadn't seen she was there before.

"Correction, _we_ freed the hostage," Doctor said gleefully, his words slurred. He was leaning on Chekov like a crutch.

"I have to be honest until the exact moment you spoke I thought you were dead," Jack said to the Doctor and sighed. "Great moment. Wish I could go back."

"What- who-" McCoy spluttered.

"Correction," the hostage said, "I saved myself. And _you_." She pointed at Chekov.

"I zink an awrgument can be made fowr fifty-fifty," Chekov said defensively. She gave him a skeptical look.

"I helped!" Doctor insisted, his eyes unfocused. He tried to flail his arms to make a point but ended up losing his balance. Chekov let go of him and let him fall to the ground.

"Will you come an' take 'i'm? Pwease!?" Chekov asked Harkniss, gesturing to the Doctor, who was now struggling to get to his feet from the ground.

"No."

"I hate to break up this little tea party chit-chat social gathering you all are having, but we have to go," McCoy snapped, craning his neck to survey the hallways around them.

"No need to be so grouchy," Doctor said sadly, sounding like a pouty child that accidentally dropped his ice cream cone on the floor.

"Grouchy?!" McCoy said furiously. His hands tightened on the medkit so hard that the plastic creaked.

"Was he like that the entire time you were together?" Doctor asked, looking at Jack.

"Pretty much, yeah," Jack shrugged.

"We need to leave!" McCoy barked loudly.

"Don't be so loud, you're going to alert the Klingons to our location!" the hostage hissed.

McCoy stared at Yyn-Tarvæna blankly, then at the Doctor, then Jack, and finally Chekov. He blinked slow. He took a deep breath that lasted several seconds. Slowly, deliberately, he set his medkit on the ground, walked over to the nearest wall, and bashed his head against it twice. He stopped and stared at the wall for thirty seconds, took another deep breath, turned back around and picked up his medkit.

Everyone looked at him, unsure how they were supposed to react.

"He's right, though. We probably should go," Jack said, recognizing that McCoy was about to blow a fuse.

"I'll call Keptin Kirk," said Chekov, flipping open his communicator.

Jack grabbed Doctor's arm, hoisted him to his feet, and began to half-carry half-drag him down the hall. He gave Doctor a sideways glance. "You okay?"

"Never better," he replied, obviously lying.

"Hey, cowboy!" Jack yelled, causing Doctor to wince and gaining the angry McCoy's attention.

"Shhh!" the hostage hissed. Chekov glared at them while telling the Captain their location.

"You're a doctor, right?" Jack asked McCoy, not bothering to lower his voice.

"_I'm_ a doctor," Doctor whispered back, sounding hurt.

"No, no you are not," Jack responded.

"I'm _the_ Doctor."

"You don't have a medical degree."

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"From when?"

"The early 1400's!"

"That doesn't count!" Jack scoffed.

"Does too!"

"That is in no way helpful here!"

"But it still counts as a medical license!"

"Does not!

"Does too!"

"Yes!" McCoy snapped, causing them to cease their argument. And just in time as well. Chekov looked dangerously close to throwing hands with both of them. "Yes, I am a doctor!"

"Is _your_ license from thousands of years ago?" Jack asked, giving the delirious Doctor a scathing look.

McCoy scowled. "No, my license is up to date, thank you very much," he said, not sounding thankful at all. "Why?"

"Because you have a patient," Jack said, shoving the Doctor over to him. "Make sure he's not dead, will you? As annoying as he is, I need him to get home."

"Oh, sure," McCoy grunted, setting the Doctor onto the ground and crouching down. He opened up his medkit bitterly. "_Now_ you listen to what I have to say. _Now_ that I'm useful. Is that right?"

"Yep!" Jack said and looked over at Chekov.

"My brain hurts," Doctor whispered to McCoy.

"Wasn't aware you had one," McCoy said sarcastically, turning the tricorder on.

Doctor laughed. "Of course I have a brain! Everyone has a brain!"

"Coulda fooled me."

Doctor tilted his head and squinted as McCoy ran the instrument over his head. "You're not a very good doctor, are you?"

McCoy squeezed his eyes shut again and resisted the urge to strangle his patient.

"What's the status on the others?" Jack asked, walking up to Chekov. Chekov frowned at him as he clipped his communicator back onto his belt.

"Zhey're on zheir vay," he muttered.

"ETA?"

"Keptin and Meester Spock, ten minutes. Meester Scott and your nurse lady friend, seven minutes."

"You might want to tell them to just meet us back at the TARDIS."

Chekov's frown deepened. "Vhy?"

"Because of that." Jack pointed out a nearby doorway. Multiple sets of Klingons were down the hall, searching every corridor and getting closer every second.

Chekov let out a terrified squeaking noise and jumped around the corner, jerking Jack there with him. Jack just licked his lips and stared into space.

Chekov quickly peered from their hiding spot, before jumping back again and twisting to face Jack. "Vhy deedn't you tell me zhere vere Klingons?!"

"I just did."

"But vhy didn't you tell me sooner?!" Chekov whisper-yelled.

"I just saw them, like, two seconds ago. So I told you." Jack cocked his head. "Why didn't _you_ see them sooner?"

"You aren't very good at your jobs, are you?" Yyn-Tarvæna asked from across the way, also keeping her voice quiet.

McCoy slammed down a piece of equipment violently, causing them all to jump. "I can do my darn job _very well,_ thank you very much!"

"I think I heard something!" yelled a Klingon from the hall. He pointed toward the noise and all the Klingons began to walk in their direction.

"Now look at what you did," Doctor scolded, shaking his head slowly.

"What _I_ did?!" McCoy said hysterically, his expression darkening like storm clouds.

"Now is not the time for you to be bickering like children!" Yyn-Tarvæna snapped, also sounding near-hysterical. Her scaly skin began to twitch.

"Heh. We're all gonna die," Jack laughed quietly.

"Move!" Chekov snarled. Jack and Yyn-Tarvæna jumped out of the way. Just as a few Klingons were approaching the entrance of the corridor they were in, Chekov slammed his fist on a nearby panel. The doors slid shut, much to the Klingons' surprise. Chekov backed up and fired a blast from his phaser into the panel. Within seconds its was emitting sparks and the wires were visibly damaged, rendering it useless.

"You've postponed our death," Jack noted dryly.

"Shut up," Chekov snapped. He whipped out his communicator. "Chekov to Keptin. Do you hear me?"

A few seconds of static, and then: "This is Kirk."

"Change of plans, Keptin. Ve vill meet you and meester Spock and Meester Scott and zee nurse lady at zee TARDIS… thingy. Vill you please relay zhat to meester Scott?"

"Of course. Did something happen?"

"Something always happens," Chekov sighed. He peered down an empty corridor before waving for the others to follow. Jack shrugged and began following, Yyn-Tarvæna next to him. McCoy begrudgingly dragged the Doctor along.  
"You'll have to be more specific, Chekov. Did something happen?" Kirk repeated.

"Notzing zhat I can't take care of, Keptin," Chekov said. "I vill give a detailed report later. I vill meet at the rendezvous point in appwroximately twelve minutes."

"Understood. Hurry, ensign, but be careful. Try not to alert to the Klingons to your presence. Be stealthy."

Chekov inhaled deeply and looked over at the closed door. The Klingons had begun to hit its surface to try to get it open. "Oh, zhat shouldnt be a pwroblem."

"See you in twelve minutes."

"Yes, Keptin." Chekov flipped off his communicator. He turned to the group of four who were following him and nodded. "Follow me."

"That's what we _are_ doing!" McCoy said. Chekov rolled his eyes and marched onwards.

Jack walked a little faster so he was right next to Yyn-Tarvæna. He held out his hand and smiled his most charming, award-winning smile. "Hi. Captain Jack Harkniss."

"_Jack_," Doctor scolded, slapping him away. "A time and a place."


	12. The Klingon Dilemma Part 3

As soon as Kirk, Rose, Scotty, and Spock were safely inside the TARDIS along with the Doctor, McCoy, Yyn-Tarvæna, Jack, and Chekov, Doctor slammed the doors shut and locked them. Almost immediately after he was done, a loud banging sound ensued, a sure sign that the Klingons were right outside the door.

"What was that?" asked Kirk.

"Notzing to worry about!" Chekov assured him. He sat down on the floor and put his head in his hands.

"Something to worry about," said McCoy, contradicting everything Chekov said.

Kirk's eyebrows knitted together. "What-"

Harkniss pushed past Kirk and followed Doctor to the controls.

"Is now the time and the place?" Jack asked Doctor. His eyes flicked over to Yyn-Tarvæna.

"_No,_" said the Doctor sternly.

"So this… _machine_… will bring us back to my home?" Yyn-Tarvæna asked, oblivious to the advances that Jack was trying to make.

"Not exactly," said Kirk, eyeing the pounding doors warily. "We're going back to the Enterprise—my ship—first. Once we're there and this issue is resolved, we'll bring you back to your home."

"I really think this is a good time _and _a good place," Jack was heard saying from the controls. He ran his hands through his hair and raised an eyebrow.

"_No_, Jack," the Doctor replied.

"Is no one going to talk about the Klingons trying to get in here?" Scotty said, gesturing at the door, where the Klingons were becoming angry and trying to break in with more gusto.

"Nah," Rose shrugged, playing with her hair. "Now, what was I talking about when we got here? Oh, right! So after that spectacle in grade three, I swore to never use 1 in 2 shampoo and conditioner again. And I know what you're thinking, it couldn't be _that_ bad, could it? But let me tell you-"

"Oh, heavens to Betsy," Scotty sighed.

"Deedn't he have a concussion two seconds ago?" Chekov grunted, pressed against the TARDIS door, having changed his mind about the danger the Klingons posed. He gestured at the Doctor, who was running around the controls like a garden sprite.

"He _did_," McCoy scowled.

"Time Lords heal fast," sang Doctor, his head poking out from behind the controls.

"But after a few minutes there might not be another time or another place-"

"_Not now, Jack!_"

"Um, are you saying the Enterprise is _your _ship?" Yyn-Tarvæna asked Kirk. "And that would make _you _the captain?"

"Yes, I am. I'm Captain James Tiberus Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Why?"

"Because he said _he's_ the captain," said Yyn-Tarvæna, pointing at Jack.

"That's because I am," said Jack, smiling at her. He held out his hand again. "Captain Jack Harkniss."

"Jack!" yelled the Doctor.

"You are not! _I_ am the captain!" said Kirk, annoyance seeping into his voice.

"You're not the only captain in the world, you know," Jack scowled.

"You don't have a ship anymore," Rose reminded him, taking a quick one-second-long break in torturing Scotty with her endless personal stories.

"Watch it blondie," pouted Jack. "I'm in the market for one."

"Because you flew your last one into a sun," Rose said, smirking. She turned back to Scotty.

"Stop holding that over my head!" Jack yelled back at her, which only caused her to smirk more.

"Jack, stop flirting, come over here and help me!" said Doctor. Jack grumbled and slunk over.

"So… _you_ are the Captain," Yyn-Tarvæna said, turning back to Kirk.

"Correct, and that," said Jim, pointing to where Spock was silently assisting the Doctor with the TARDIS controls, "is my second in command, Mister Spock."

"I see," Yyn-Tarvæna nodded slowly. "Well, Captain, I must say… your methods, while unorthodox, are strangely effective.'  
Kirks brow furrowed. "Would you mind expanding on that?"

"Having one of your crew members pretend to be a simpleton so I could free myself and assist in my escape was quite a… uh, _unique_ choice of actions, though it surprisingly worked." She nodded, waving one of her hands towards the Doctor. "I will admit, I was rather concerned when one of your crew members acted out during the call, but I see now that it was a part of your plan all along. A rather clever one, I'd say. Genius, even."

Jim blinked slowly, barely believing what he was hearing. "Yes. That was… intentional… yes…"

"Is no one going to help me over here?!" Chekov screamed, still pressed against the door. Only a fraction of the crew bothered to look at him.

"They're locked! No one's getting in," Doctor said with a sing-song, not taking his eyes off the controls. "You can step away!"  
Chekov blinked. Then cursed. He slowly took a hesitant step away from the doors. The banging and yelling persisted, but the doors stayed put.

"Genius indeed," Yyn-Tarvæna murmured softly.

* * *

After a couple of minutes flying, the TARDIS stopped. The Doctor stood up and smiled at everyone. Rose was off to the side, playing with her hair and yawning. Jack somehow was asleep on the floor. McCoy stared into space, his brow furrowed in perpetual anger, and next to him, Chekov seemed to be emulating him exactly. Kirk was standing next to a branch-like pillar, gripping it for dear life. Spock stood next to him stoically. Scotty was looking at the ship, running his hands over every part of machinery that he could find, muttering in awe. Yyn-Tarvæna's eyes were open wide in confusion and disbelief.

"Everybody off!" Doctor said cheerfully. He blew a flute whistle twice that he seemed to have produced from nowhere, or from within his gigantic jacket. It was hard to tell.

Rose opened the TARDIS door and stepped aside, gesturing for them to pass through.

"The… the… what… how?" Yyn-Tarvæna spluttered. She held a nearby wall to regain her balance.

"Aren't you coming?" Kirk asked Doctor, Rose, and Jack. Jack gave him a bleary-eyed shake of his head as we woke up.

"Nah." Doctor and Jack pulled open one of the grates on the floor, and the Doctor hopped down. "We have some business to take care off."

"Business?" Kirk said slowly, walking over to the open grate and looking down.

"She's not used to traveling outside of our dimension," Doctor said cheerfully. He patted the inside of the grate lovingly. "Gotta make sure she's okay to travel home!"

"Would you be needin' any help?" Scotty asked excitedly. He looked around at the TARDIS with awe.

"Nah, I think we're good! Hammer," said Doctor. Jack sighed and plopped a hammer into Doctor's hand, who immediately began to violent hit it against the paneling.

Scotty's eyes went wide in shock. "What are you doin' to your ship?"

"He's fixing it," Rose said slowly, as if that were the most obvious thing in the universe.

"That's not-"

"I hate to interrupt," spoke Spock, "but there's the pressing matter of the Klingons that must be dealt with."

"Right!" said Kirk. "We should go deal with that, yeah."

"Such strange methods," Yyn-Tarvæna repeated quietly, still shaken about being transported across space in a small blue box that wasn't so small on the inside for some unfathomable reason.

"Don't go anywhere," Kirk said, pointing at Doctor. "We have unfinished business."

"No! Please leave! Go!" McCoy pleaded.

"Leave without saying goodbye?" Doctor said, sounding scandalized. "Wouldn't dream of it!"

"Of course," muttered McCoy.

"Right," Jim nodded. "We'll be back shortly."

Doctor grinned and returned to his work.

The large group made their way to the turbolifts. Chekov was mumbling angrily about 'the idiocy of that man' under his breath. The rest stayed silent.

Kirk flipped open his communicator. "Captain to the bridge. Do you read me?"

"Loud and clear, Captain," came Sulu's voice.

"We have returned with the hostage. We are once again aboard the Enterprise."

"Really? Not a single security measure was tripped! How-"

"I'm unaware of the details of the matter. You'll have to ask Mr. Spock for the full, scientific explanation," Kirk muttered. He ran his hands through his hair. "However, I need to know if the Klingons have made any attempt to contact us."

"Uhura is hailing a frequency now, Captain."

"Good. Wait. I'll be there in less than a minute. Kirk out." Kirk flipped off his communicator and looked at the others in his crew, who had all made the poor decision to squeeze into the same turbolift. It was not very comfortable, but everyone was attempting to pretend otherwise.

"Was that more of your crew?" Yyn-Tarvæna asked.

"Yes, it was," Kirk replied.

"Are you going to have them pretend to be idiots, too? I don't see how that will help us, but I won't doubt you."

"Thanks," Kirk said, clenching his teeth. "And no, I am not."

The doors to the turbolift slid open and six people filed out.

Someone in the engineering section yelled "Captain on the bridge!" Kirk ignored them.

Kirk strode over to his captain chair and sat.

"Uhura?"

"On it, Captain," she said. She flipped a dial. Within seconds the image of the Klingon general filled the screen.

"KIRRRRRK!"

"Klingon general whose name I forget," said Jim, "we meet again."

"What have you done?!" he seethed.

"What have I done? What I've done is free an innocent woman and prevent a war," said Kirk, a bit smugly. "And I am also going to give you ten minutes, no, _five_ minutes, to leave and never return. I will not tell you again."

"You don't actually think it's going to be that easy?"

"No, I _know_ it's going to be _that_ easy. The Federation ships _Challenger_ and _Luna_ are both on their way, and I don't think you'll want to be here when they arrive," Kirk said darkly.

"You haven't heard the last of me, Kirk!" the Klingon growled.

"Nor you me," said Kirk.

"We'll meet again, Kirk. Mark my words! We'll meet again and when we do, you won't be so _lucky_!"

"Oh, I'm counting on it," said Kirk, smirking. "And when we do, I assure you I-"

The turbo lift doors slid open and the Doctor came running out.

"I fixed the TARDIS!"

"GET OUT!" everyone screamed at once. Chekov grabbed Doctor and forcefully shoved him back into the turbolift.

Kirk scowled and turned back to the screen. The Klingon had hung up.

Kirk sighed and slumped down in his seat. "Yeah. That figures."

* * *

"Well," said Doctor, clapping his hands together. They all stood in front of the TARDIS. "It's been fun-"

"No, no, it hasn't," said McCoy. He crossed his arms and gave the Doctor a death glare.

"-But it appears that this is where we say our goodbyes," Doctor smiled, not off-put by McCoy's pessimism.

"Oh, thank goodness," Jack murmured.

"How about a goodbye group hug?" Rose suggested when the group stayed silent. She opened her arms and moved towards McCoy.

"If you take _one_ step closer I will break your clavicle," snapped McCoy, his eyes unblinking and his face stoic.

Rose stopped and twisted her lips. "What's a clavicle?"

"Why did you send _her_ to impersonate a nurse?!" McCoy asked incredulously. He pointed at her and looked around. "Come on!"

Doctor shrugged his shoulders. "We flipped coins. And personally, I think you made that 'clavicle' word up."

"What?"

"It does sound like a made-up word," Jack admitted.

"I did NOT-"

"Bones, that's enough," Jim said. He pinched the bridge of his nose.

"But he just threatened my integrity as a doctor! I _do not make things up_! I-"

"_The longer you talk, the longer they stay_," Kirk muttered through his teeth. McCoy perked up at this.

"I think I'll just be quiet now," said Bones quietly.

"I wasn't aware that was possible for you," Spock said. He raised an eyebrow and McCoy's anger came boiling back.

"Why you no good-"

"Guys! Stop fighting!" Rose said. She held open her arms and smiled reassuringly. "How about we just hug and make up?"

"Make any further actions towards doing so and you will leave me no choice but to give you the Vulcan nerve pinch," said Spock, his face impassive.

"Clavicle!" yelled McCoy.

"Boys, that is enough," Kirk sighed, holding up a hand. He turned to Doctor. "I suppose you'll be leaving for good then? We won't see any more of you?"

"Nope," said Doctor, looking quite disappointed, oblivious to everyone's visible relief.

"Well then, I guess this is where we say goodbye," Kirk said, holding out his hand. Doctor smiled and shook it.

"Yep! However, I've prepared a little speech for this exact moment."

Jim waved his hand frantically. "No, no that's really not necessary."

"I insist!" said Doctor. A huge grin overcame his features.

"I'm going in the TARDIS," said Jack.

"Good riddance," muttered Uhura at the same time.

Doctor cleared his throat.

"Somebody stop him!" McCoy said.

"Why, Doctor, I thought you weren't going to speak?" Spock interjected, his eyebrows raising meaningfully.

"Why I oughta-"

"Friends, we are gathered here today to say farewell," said Doctor poignantly. "For good, it may seem. But we will always hold the memories dear in our-"

"I do have one question," said Spock.

"The more. You speak. The longer. They stay," McCoy gritted out, his eye twitching. Spock ignored him and plowed on with the conversation.

"How did the retrieval of the hostage play out?" asked Spock.

"Uh, it's fine, Mr. Spock," Jim said quickly. "He can just wrap his little speech up and go."

"You need his side of the story for the official Starfleet report, Captain."

"Oh, right… that… how could I possibly forget," said Kirk after a pause. "Well, nonetheless we can get the information from Ensign Chekov and Yyn-Tarvæna."

"Official Starfleet protocol demands that _all_ parties give an account be included in the report."

"Right. Must have forgotten."

"Of course," Spock agreed, but gave Kirk a sly sideways look.

Jim pinched the bridge of his nose. "So, Doctor, how did-"

"Oh it was brilliant!" said Doctor excitedly. "Bloody brilliant! One hundred percent brilliant! Yyn-Tarvæna was brilliant! The Russian boy was brilliant! And, not to brag or anything, but I was pretty brilliant as well! Wasn't I?"

"That's… nice, but I still need-"

"Fantastic! Brilliant! Wonderful!" exclaimed Doctor. "Chekov and I snuck in undercover! We tricked the Klingons! Tricked them! Oh, it was brilliant! He was brilliant! They didn't suspect a thing! Nada! Zilch! Zip! Nothing!"

Chekov frowned as if he disagreed.

McCoy looked like he was going to explode. He glared at Spock. "You've got him started…"

"And then Yyn-Tarvæna, oh she was brilliant! Bloody brilliant! I'm saying that word a lot, aren't I? Well, it's true!" Doctor shrugged, looking quite crazed. "It was brilliant! Where was I? Oh, right, Yyn-Tarvæna! She was-"

"Brilliant?" Kirk, McCoy, Spock, Scotty, and Uhura all sighed at once.

"Correct!" said the Doctor. "She was great! She was able to free herself, and knock out the Klingons! With my and Chekov's help, of course."

Chekov scowled and looked at the floor.

Doctor continued. "And then we met up with McCoy and Jack, and they were brilliant!"

"Whatever he's talking about," came Jack's muffled voice from inside the TARDIS, "I want nothing to do with it."

"And then-"

"Zhat iznt vhat 'appened at all!" spat Chekov.

"Chekov!" cried McCoy. "If you let him speak he will leave!" McCoy grabbed Chekov's arms and shook him. "Leave! He will _leave_!"

"No!" scowled Chekov. He shrugged McCoys arms off. He pointed at the Doctor. "Zhat eeznt vhat 'appened!"

Doctor frowned and tapped his chin musingly. "Are you sure? I coulda' sworn…"

"No! Zhat eez a straight up lie!"

"Chekov, please," said Kirk pleadingly. "You can tell me what really happened later."

"But 'e-"

"_Chekov_," Jim said.

Chekov crossed his arms and pouted.

"Okay, so maybe I got a _few_ of the details wrong," said Doctor. He shrugged. "That's fine. Everyone makes mistakes."

"No, you-" Chekov started, only to be rudely interrupted.

"Chekov, I _swear_ if you don't let him speak so he can go home and we never have to see them again, _I! Will! Sedate! You!_" McCoy yelled. "Permanently! Forever! A permanent, forever sedation! Do you understand?!"

Chekov frowned. "Zomeonez gwrumpy."

"I AM NOT-"

"Doctor, you may continue," said Jim. All of a sudden, it looked like the Captain hadn't slept in days.

"Right," Doctor clapped his hands together. "Where was I? Oh, yes. It was all fantastic. I was pretty fantastic too, to be truthful. Minus the part where I got knocked out. They weren't fooled by my physics papers, I guess. They haven't failed me before, so I don't really know what went wrong... But it was helpful! Great distraction! So it was still pretty fantastic. And once Yyn-Tarvæna was rescued and I woke up, we snuck past their defenses, got back to the TARDIS, and arrived here. End of story. Fantastic, no?"

"So, if I'm understanding this correctly, soon after upon arriving at the Klingon ship you were rendered unconscious due to foolish and impulsive actions on your part," said Spock. His eyebrows went up again.

Doctor rubbed the back of his neck. "Well…"

"While you were unconscious Chekov and Yyn-Tarvæna—who was the prisoner herself— were able to break open a Klingon brig and defeat the Klingons all while you were doing nothing."

"I don't-"

"After this you regrouped with Doctor McCoy and Mr. Harkniss, who, due to your condition, most likely did most of the work along with Ensign Chekov and Yyn-Tarvæna. Based on their reactions upon arriving to the TARDIS, I feel it is safe to make the logical assumption that you only recovered from your condition when you arrived," Spock said. "Therefore, one can only conclude that you did very little, if any, of the work involved."  
Doctor scowled. "Well, when you say it like that…"

"HA!" McCoy pointed at him and laughed loudly, too loudly to be genuine. The rest of those present decided to ignore McCoy's apparent deteriorating mental state.

"That's not fair! We provided the TARDIS," Rose insisted. "You wouldn't have gotten there if it weren't for us."  
"That's… true," Jim sighed. "And for that, we do thank you."

Doctor beamed.

"No! Don't thank them!" McCoy snapped. "Listen to what Spock said! He was nothing but trouble! He-" McCoy froze. "I'm agreeing with Spock. What is happening." he stopped in his tracks and stared into space. He sat on the floor and looked down, his eyes blank.

"What he means is thank you," Jim said.

"That is not what I meant!" McCoy yelled.

"Oh, just doing our job," Doctor shrugged, smiling widely.

"Your job? You- You know what? I don't care," said Bones, still refusing to make eye contact with anyone in the room. "Great. Good for you. You told your story. Now go."

"Don't you 'ave zomevhere to be?" asked Chekov.

"Well, she's a time machine, so not really," Doctor shrugged, patting the TARDIS. "We have all the time in the world."

"We don't! Goodbye!" said McCoy.

"I do think it's time you get back to your dimension," said Kirk slowly. The bags under his eyes were very prominent, and he seemed to be losing his patience.

"Nah, that's okay! Like I said, time machine! No trouble for us at all," Doctor said. Jack Harkniss could be heard banging his head on the TARDIS and moaning sorrowfully.

"Doctor, I think they want us to leave," said Rose softly, tapping the Doctor's arm.

"No they don't," Doctor said, waving his hand dismissively.

"You have five seconds to leave before I call security," said Kirk. His voice was quiet but stern. Rose gestured to the TARDIS, but the Doctor waved her off again.

"Don't be silly!" Doctor said.

"Five… four…"

"Doctor, he's counting down." said Rose. She looked back at security near the door nervously.

"He's kidding!"

"Three," Kirk waved at security. They moved from the door and stood near the TARDIS, phasers at the ready.

"I think he's being serious," Rose insisted. She tried pulling on his arm, but Doctor stayed stubbornly put.

"Nah."

"Two..." Jim bit out.

"Okay, we'll be getting out of your hair now!" Rose said cheerfully, shoving the Doctor through the TARDIS door. "Bye! Nice meeting you!"

Rose lept in behind the protesting Doctor and the TARDIS doors slammed shut.

* * *

**And that's the last chapter's end! That's more than 7,000 words in one chapter, and that is significantly more compared to our other ones. Well, at least we divided it up! Anyway, thank you for reading our story. It has been around five months in the making, and we are very grateful for all our viewers! Thank you for sticking around. We will have a short epilogue soon, but this was the last chapter! Thank you all so much. **

**TheFinalFrontier87**


	13. Epilogue

Captain's log, Stardate 22934.08

We went to transport our much-needed medical supplies to Centauria III, which went as planned, but on the surface the away team, including me, found a Klingon. We soon found out, after a while of surveillance, that they wanted this space for something that they did not reveal. We were threatened to leave the space or they would kill a hostage they held. We sprang into action. We got around the problem of their shields, snuck inside, and rescued the hostage. We were able to sneak the hostage back to the Enterprise, where we called the Klingons and told them that we had the upper hand. They left the space immediately. All in all, it was a successful mission. There was no doubt in my mind during the whole ordeal that we would be able to rescue the hostage with ease.

On a different note, Doctor McCoy reports a tribble is missing from his medbay.

Kirk out.

* * *

"Well, that was fun!" Doctor grunted, stretching across the control panel, flipping switches and twisting nozzles with both his hands and feet.

"Literally no one but you thinks that," Jack said. He was lying down on the hard floor, trying desperately to sleep, but to no avail.

"Rose thought it was fun!" Doctor said. He craned his head around to look at Rose.

"It was certainly… eventful!" Rose smiled, but her eyes said otherwise.

"See, fun!" Doctor insisted.

Jack rubbed his hands over his face. "Whatever you say."

"Oh! I got a souvenir!" Rose said excitedly. Doctor perked up. Jack looked horrified and sat up.

"Please tell me you're joking," said Jack, but he had no hope that she was telling a joke.

Rose pulled a small, purring ball of fur out of her pocket. She grinned. "It's called a tribble!"

"Awwww!" Doctor said. He stepped away from the controls to pet and coo at the small creature. Jack peered at it with a furrowed brow.

"Where did you get that?" Jack asked suspiciously.

"Doctor McCoy gave it to me," Rose said happily. The Doctor and Rose continued to pet the tribble.

Doctor frowned. "Which one was McCoy?"

"Doesn't he hate you?" Jack asked, confused.

"He said it was a parting gift. Something to show that there were no hard feelings."

"That's thoughtful of him," Doctor mused. He went back to the controls because, apparently, they were really off course.

"I feel like this is going to backfire on us," said Jack.  
"Nah, it'll be fine!" said Doctor. Jack threw his hands in the air in defeat. Doctor grinned and turned back to the controls. "Now, how about some music?"

Before Jack could protest, he turned up the volume so loud that the walls around them trembled.

The TARDIS sailed away, the musical number _Single Ladies _echoing through both space and time.

* * *

**That is the end, folks! Thank you again for sticking around and reading through all those chapters. For the last time, we bid you a good day! **

**Live Long and Prosper, and Allons-y!**

**-TheFinalFrontier87**


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